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IELTS Essay Correction: Men Sports Vs Women Sports.

Today’s society is more oriented towards men sports rather than women sports. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive development or negative?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Even though almost every sports committee organizes both male and female competitions, societies give more precedence to the former over the latter men sports over women sports. (Use the subtle forms of cohesion to improve your score and to avoid word repetitions.) There are several reasons that contribute to this massive dichotomy/ disparity. (1) In my opinion, as under appreciating the female sports lead to (financial predicament) poor remuneration of female sports persons, this development is certainly a negative.

1. Dichotomy is not the most appropriate word here. It refers to two opposing ideas. My income is increasing but my savings are falling.

The major reason why men professional sport is favored in societies is linked with history. (2) In the past, while women were confined to houses to perform household chores, men were (do not make this a passive voice. It gives a sense that someone compelled MEN TO PARTICIPATE) enthusiastically participated in sports events (good use of WHILE X, Y.). This cultural legacy (This bias) has not eroded and it persists in the 21st century. (write a sentence to connect PAST with the PRESENT. Maintain the logical flow of ideas.) As a result, playing sports is often associated with males and, in many societies, women are still not allowed to become professional athletes. Thus, women sports are not as popular as men sports are.

In addition to this, physical strength is another (You’ve already used another earlier.) reason (poor sentence formation.) (Moreover, the difference in physical strengths of men and women is also responsible for this discrimination.). Although in some sports such as gymnastics, women’s performances are commendable, men generally outperform (outdo) them due to their greater strength (THEM and THEIR must refer to one noun only. Here, the former refers to women while to latter refers to men.). For instance, the 100 meters men‘s record for 100 meters sprint run (do not assume that the reader knows what 100 meters mean.) is 9.79 second whereas no women athlete has completed the race in less than 10 seconds. That is why people prefer to watch men sport, which is more entertaining due to intensity of performances, than female sports. (Perfect placement of modifier within commas. Good job!)

2. There are better ways to express the same idea with proper cohesion and without making any repetition of words (men professional sports is favored). This discrimination. can primarily be attributed to the culture and traditions of a society.

In my view, people’s inclination towards men’s sports is indeed a negative development.  As male sports persons are famous (= fame, recognition) they get fame, recognition and advertisements to endorse branded products. Consequently, (3) female athletes struggle to support their lives financially because they often do not receive enough financial aid from sports promoters and government associations. This is the case in India, where a the male cricket team receives a hefty salary and huge sums of money for advertising. A The female cricket team, despite winning the recent world cup, does not exist for innumerable Indians and is struggling to earn a livelihood. failed to get proper recognition and its members struggle to earn a livelihood. (does not exist is incorrect and does not communicate the message properly. Plus, the team can’t struggle for existence (in this question). Individuals can.)

3. The word consequently suggests that female athletes earn less because male athletes earn more. This can be better written as: While male athletes are famous and get lucrative advertisement contracts, female athletes financially struggle to support their families.

There are numerous sentence structuring issues. While some of them are mistakes, others need improvements. Please read my comments and alterations carefully. Also, you’ve overused cohesive devices (clearly seen in the first word of every sentence in Body Paragraphs) and incorrectly used some. This will hamper your score.

In conclusion, a conventional role of a woman women and better performances of male athletes are the reasons for the popularity of male sports. This trend is a negative as woman sportsperson finds it difficult to earn fame and make a living.

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