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IELTS Essay Correction: A Set Retirement Age For Everybody.

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. 

Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement? 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Some people ponder (1) that it is unfair to set a fixed retirement age (e.g. 65 years) without considering the type of occupation. It is asserted that its it is beneficial for some workers to get retired at an early stage of their lives. I strongly agree with this viewpoint because there are certain occupations, such as deep mining and armed force services, which require both physical fitness and mental strength. 

1. Ponder refers to seriously think about a problem or a point. Its sense is different from ‘believe/ think’. I’ve been pondering about this issue for a long period of time. 

Workers involved in physically demanding occupations can only successfully execute their job duties only when they are strong both physically and mentally (Incorrect placement of ONLY.). Naturally, human beings’ physical and mental capabilities deteriorate with aging. This makes them unfit to continue their work in many demanding occupations such as construction, mining, and army. Therefore the a fixed threshold of 65 years, for example, is too high for people working in such occupations. For instance, it is important for a firefighter to have mental and physical strengths in order to fulfill his duties at work. Such a person cannot save people’s lives in his early 60’s because he becomes too weak in this age.

I like the precise manner in which you’ve constructed the example. You will score well on all four criterion for this. However, there is a scope to write better. For instance, a firefighter must have physical strength and mental agility to fulfill his duties. However, after 50 years of age, his muscles lose strength and his ability to respond to threats, such as fire, falls. Thus, a firefighter must retire earlier than other professionals such as bankers.

There are certain types of occupations where people deserve to retire early. One of them is mining where people have to work in deep mines under the ground. Deep mining is an extremely demanding difficult and hazardous job because workers sometimes have to work more than 200 feet below the ground. The extreme temperature and limited oxygen supply makes it very challenging to work for older workers. Hence, they should retire earlier than other workers before the set age limit. Another occupation is the services in armed forces. Army needs active and strong young people to fight in deadly war zones. Soldiers above the age of fifty would merely (you can use this word only when you rightly mention ‘merely this and nothing more‘ – 2) escalate the casualty rate because of the inability to fight and survive in extreme conditions. What is more, Also, a stronger (stronger than whom?) strong army needs people with exceptional mentally mental abilities, which are unlikely to be possessed by the old older ones(… which only the young possess. Thus, combat duties in the army are allowed for people who are less than 40 years old.)

2. Soldiers above the age of fifty would be unable to defeat the enemy and merely increase casualties because of their inability …..

To sum up, I believe that fixing a set retirement age without taking into account of the type of occupation is surely not fair with the workers involved in physically and emotionally demanding occupations such as mining and armed force services.

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