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IELTS Essay Correction: Give Longer Punishment To Reduce Crime.

Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crimes. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The records number of criminal offenses have been increasing for the last few years these days (1). While some people believe that longer prison sentences is the best method to lessen the crimes address this problem (let us build cohesion) as it creates a sense of fear to in the potential offenders, others think that there are more effective ways in decreasing the number of criminal acts in society. (Once you’ve written ‘address this problem‘ in the sentence, it is obvious that ‘more effective ways‘ are to address this issue. No need to write again.) In my opinion, proper education and provision of good-paying well-paid (2) jobs among for people can better address this pressing societal problem.

1. The use of have been necessitates the mention of the time when things began. HAVE BEEN = it started in the past and continues till now. For the past two days, the government has been trying to prevent violence. But it has failed.

2. Parallelism: X and Y. The first word of X = proper = adjective. The first word of Y = provision = noun. Make both adjectives. Well-paid = adjective.

On the one hand, some people argue that lengthening the stay of prisoners behind bars is a good way to limit and reduce the criminalities crimes (criminality = state of being a criminal. Wrong word choice.) in a society as this will make potential offenders think twice before committing an illegal act of the possible illegal actions they will commit. If a person is aware of the possible consequences of offending violating the law such as facing a longer stay in jails (wrong logic – they can’t violate longer stay. They can violate someone’s fundamental rights, steal property.) (3), then some criminal acts may be stopped leading to a reduction of crimes. (This sentence conveys the same message as the previous sentence. Build an argument.) For instance, a person who has have thoughts of robbing a store knows that offenders of this he will be subjected to extended prison sentences if caught and this may stop himself from executing such a plan. (If you’re combining two points in the same sentence, make sure the latter part is complete. If it is incomplete – called a fragment sentence – due to missing subject ‘THIS’ and cohesive device ‘AND’, you will lose sentence structuring bands. This falls under Grammatical Resources.)

3. Many countries such as Saudi Arabia have successfully implemented this principle and this has resulted in far lesser crimes in these countries. People are aware that for a simple theft of someone’s purse or a burglary in a home, they may end up spending more than a decade in prison. This acts as a strong deterrent for them.

On the other hand, some people argue I support the view that there are more effective and realistic approaches to reduce crimes. The A government must focus on education and in the creation of jobs. Education must be free or if not, be affordable to all either free or affordable (use proper constructions – either/oras this is the key to give peopleespecially the underpriviledged, who are vulnerable to the commission of crimes, (4) the opportunity to gain better qualifications to acquire good paying jobs. Moreover, it is the responsibility of the government as well (who else is responsible?) to invest in creating jobs and providing their access to qualified people and introducing jobs to these qualified people. (government can’t introduce jobs, it can create and provide access.) Therefore, if people are well educated, they will land a well-paid job thus and will not resort to any criminal acts such as stealing, unintentional murder and aggravated assault. (IF X, Y. X = present tense, Y = A (will) and B (will).)

4. Use proper commas to build your sentence. “especially the underprivileged” is not part of the main sentence. It qualifies ‘people’. So, begin and end it with commas. “Who are vulnerable to the commission of crimes” qualifies ‘underprivileged’. This is also a modifier. So, begin and end it with a modifier.

You’ve made a good attempt in building arguments. However, there are numerous sentence structuring, lexical resource, and grammar issues in both body paragraphs.

In conclusion, although a longer stay in prison helps in reducing crimes in society, in my view, education and investments on increasing employment opportunities can directly address the problem as most people who commit crimes are those who are uneducated and unemployed.

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