Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Reduce Air Travel To Save The Environment.

Some people think that cutting air travel will help save the environment. Do you agree or disagree? Please explain with examples from your experience. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

I will post a video explaining this question. please wait for it.

It is thought by some people that air travel should be reduced to save the environment. (This is not paraphrasing. You’ve merely re-written the question’s statement in the passive voice. Paraphrasing is not merely changing the words. It is ‘changing the words to make the original meaning clear.‘ For this make the CORE of the essay clear.) Some people believe that aeroplanes emit a huge amount of greenhouse gases which adversely impact the environment. While I agree that airplanes contribute to air pollution, but, considering the world that has now reduced to a global village, you cannot avoid the fastest mode of transportation known to man.

Task response: The question is not whether we should cut air travel. It is about whether cutting air travel will help save the environment. It may be necessary and we may not be able to reduce its use. But, we need to focus on environmental impact only. Watch the video.

I’m correcting the paragraph below for sentence structuring, cohesion, etc. It is incorrect from the perspective of task response.

Firstly, airplanes have reduced the time of commute by many folds and, thus, been beneficial to all. (Alternative structure: Firstly, airplanes have benefitted everyone by reducing the commute time by several folds.) For those people who have travelling jobs, airplanes help them reduce the time of travel to just a few hours, hence increasing efficiency. (1) In the earlier days, traveling abroad was only possible via ships that took weeks if not months to cover the long distances. (You can write better by mentioning a few names – New Delhi and Mumbai, as I’ve done below.) But now people can go abroad for vacations while on a timed leave from office (this does not convey the message clearly. How long is the timed leave? Note that I’ve mentioned specific time frames below.) and not spend most of it traveling. Air travel has also benefited healthcare, defence and consumer goods sector. (HOW? Do not raise an idea and leave it unexplained.)

1. Note that in the first two sentences of this paragraph, you have followed this structure: A and, hence/thus, B. I do not advise this. This structure gives a conclusion to each sentence and gives the impression that the idea is finished and it does not need any more elaboration. PLUS, the second sentence is vague.  “A few hours” with respect to what? Those who travel long distances for business or tourism, airplanes have really shortened the journey. (EXPLAIN how) While air travel takes only two hours to travel from New Delhi to Mumbai, journey by car takes more than 12 hours. Similarly, Mahatma Gandhi took several months to travel from Mumbai to London via a ship. The same distance can now be covered in about 12 hours.

I’m correcting the paragraph below for sentence structuring, cohesion, etc. It is incorrect from the perspective of task response.

Secondly, for locations that are geographically remote and are difficult to access via roadways, airports have helped in the development of such areas and have made them easily accessible to the people. (2) Ladakh, which is situated at a very high altitude in the Himalayas, (This is a modifier and it must end here with a comma. You can read my article on MODIFIERS and feel free to ask any question.) was merely known to anyone. But in the year 2002, when it got its airport, (another modifier – put it between two commas) it was open to all. People from all over the world come here to experience its unique beauty and climate. The tourism industry has flourished since then and the localities residents have found ways to earn a respectable livelihood.

2. Note how the sentence structure can be improved. You’ve first mentioned locations that are geographically remote and then wrote such locations. You’ve mentioned developement and accessible. Let me put them in a logical manner that avoids repetition of such places in the sentence:  Secondly, airports have made geographically remote areas accessible and this has resulted in their economic development.

Yes, it is true that as airplanes have gotten bigger and more increased in number (3), the increased carbon footprint has become a topic of worry for the humanity environment. (Environment does not worry about anything. Humans do.) Catering to which, this, (4) airplane companies like Airbus and Boeing have started to explore ways to reduce their emissions. Newer planes, like the Airbus A320 NEO, which has recently been introduced, comes with a lighter body and more fuel efficient engines as compared to the outgoing models. (So, will cutting airplane travel help save the environment? You’ve not addressed the question. This has reduced the emissions to such a large extent that per person per kilometer emission of an airplane is lesser than that of a passenger vehicle.)

3. Parallelism mistake: Read my article on Rules of Parallelism. Your sentence means – “airplanes have gotten bigger in number and more in number” since bigger and more are parallel. Both are adjectives. Let us make GOTTEN and INCREASED parallel. Both are verbs. If you’ve not understood this, feel free to ask via WhatsApp.

4. WHICH is used to refer to something within the same sentence. THIS is used to refer to something within and between sentences.

In conclusion, airplanes have been very beneficial to the mankind and are here to stay. Still, we should look into making the mode of transport more efficient for a sustainably developed future.

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