Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Money As A Measure Of Success – 1.

Success is often measured in terms of how much money somebody has earned. Do you think wealth is a good measure of success? How else could we measure whether somebody is successful or not?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The success of a person is generally associated with the wealth he has accumulated. In my opinion, measuring success on the basis of money is not pragmatic and there are several factors that can be taken into account while labeling a person successful or not.

The introduction is precise and clear. It clearly mentions the opinion and sets the plan for the essay’s body paragraphs.

The main reason why money is not a realistic indicator of success is the failure of in (failure of somebody; failure in something.) achieving personal goals. For example, a person, who is affluent, desires to become a politician. Despite having huge sums of money, he has not been is able to fulfill his desire (Maintain the same tense as in the previous sentence.). (1) In this context, I believe money cannot denote a person as successful and the individual can be successful when he has attained the economic, environmental, political or social objectives -they may be financial – and it leads to a content and satisfying life and has a peace of mind. (2) It is possible that this person might possess a small amount of money.  On the other hand, a person who has a great deal of money but lead life in misery cannot be said successful(This sentence does not make any sense in this paragraph. The paragraph’s theme is PERSONAL GOALS. There is no place for ‘life in misery’ here. Raise it as a separate point in a different paragraph.)

1. These two sentences can be written better as one. Note that there is no need of ‘for example’. Using a cohesive device unnecessarily will reduce your score. If a person, who is affluent, desires to become a politician and fails in this endeavor, he cannot be termed as successful.

2. Bad sentence structuring. You’ve crammed too many things in the same sentence. Plus, this needs to be placed before the example of the politician.

The main reason why money is not a realistic indicator of success is the failure in achieving personal goals. A person’s success is determined by his objectives which may range from social and environmental to political and economic. He will have a peaceful and content life only if he achieves these objectives. If a person, who is affluent, desires to become a politician and fails in this endeavor, he cannot be termed as successful.

In my view, success of a person depends upon a definition what he gives to it. In other words, success is different from one’s point of view to another’s. I believe every person has a different definition of success. (The idea is not clearly expressed and concisely.) For instance, a sportsperson can consider himself successful if he gets social eminence, or if he has won wins (maintain the same tense – gets, wins) a medal in his a sports event, or if he has contributed contributes to the development of his sport. Similarly, success can mean for one to have strong familial ties and for another to get public recognition, or become highly educated. (Create a better sentence structure using WHILE.) (Similarly, while for some people strong family ties constitute success, for others public recognition is its core ingredient.) Therefore, it can be measured in several ways ranging from quality of life and happiness to personal accomplishments and harmonized family relations. (Maintain parallelism – quality and happiness are nouns; personal is an adjective and harmonized is a verb.)

In conclusion, as per my perspective, using money as a yardstick for success is an irrational idea as one can be unsuccessful in his endeavors in spite of having wealth. Success is largely count on person’s viewpoint and can be measured in terms of social prestige, social bonds or accomplishments.

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