Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Money Can Make Life Easier And More Comfortable.

Some people say that money can make life easier and more comfortable. But others say that having a lot of money can bring some problems. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of having a lot of money?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Money has always been a double-edged sword: on the one hand, it allows people to have the a decent life; on the other hand, having too much money could cause stress and negatively influence one’s family life.

It is undeniable that without money one cannot have a satisfactory living. Adequate housing, proper education, and healthcare, which are of paramount importance for every human being, require financial resources contributions. (contribution gives a sense that it needs financial help.) So, if a person has good earnings, he will be able to ensure catering for the basic needs for himself and his family, and, thus, make their life more comfortable. Moreover, money contributes beneficially into to our well-being (1). Overloaded work schedules and the hustle and bustle bustles of the city lifestyle have a detrimental impact on us. But with the extra money, we can travel more, visit different entertaining events or get into some recreational activity and, as a consequence, unwind and release our life from day-to-day pressure. 

1. The idea statement should be clear and precise. The explanation part is meant to explain this specific idea. Do not assume that idea can be vague and it will be made clear by the explanation part. Here, contributes beneficially is not clear. Beneficially can also refer to basic needs – written in the previous sentence. Write more clearly: Moreover, having a lot of money helps a person to eliminate work-related stresses.

Some loss of task response. The question is on ‘a lot of money‘. You’ve made a good attempt in developing the ideas. Grammar and cohesion are good. LR is fine.

Excess of money, however, could be a cause of stress for wealthy people. At times, the rich, having earned a fortune, could be afraid of losing it and, therefore, too much time and efforts are spent spend too much time on control controlling and protection protecting of (parallelism issue) their funds. (2) As a result, Such obsession could be very stressful and lead to deterioration of a persons’ condition, both physical and mental. (Note that this is NOT a new point. The previous point is on “spending too much time on controlling and protecting money”. The next is on “a lot of attention and time”. This is NOT new.) In addition, big excess of money requires a lot of person’s attention and time. To manage it wisely one should has to work overtime and , even during weekends, depriving himself of opportunity to spend the precious time with his family, which, in the long run, may lead to the a lonely life. For example, even though people in developed countries are rich as compared to those in the developing countries, the divorce rates are much higher in the former. This is primarily due to the lack of time to spend with the spouse.

2. Parallelism – could be – 1. afraid ……. and 2. spend ……

Though the ideas in the paragraph above are well explained, there is ample scope for better communication of ideas.

With the above in mind, it is obvious that although a lot of money could simplify and enhance improve one’s life, it could also have a negative effect and demand sacrifices.

Comments: Despite some occasional mistakes, performance in CC, LR, and GR is good. However, there is a loss of TR primarily due to the question’s emphasis on ‘a lot of money’. In BP 2, you’ve not written an example and have written one idea as two separate ideas. This will also hamper the TR score. 

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing a polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.