Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Governments Spend A Lot On National Celebrations.

Governments spend a lot of money on national celebrations such as national holidays and public festivals. Some people say that the government spends too much money on this and they should use the money on other useful things. Do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

(Undeniably = something that can’t be denied = true.) It is undeniably true that Undeniably, national celebrations such as national holidays and public festivals are important in every country. While the governments (allocate to something) allocate a massive budget to in the celebration of these these celebrations, I agree with those who contend that the amount is better spent on other important issues such as poor educational education system and abysmal health care.

Despite the two structural changes mentioned above, the introduction is well constructed. You’ve clearly mentioned your opinion and mentioned the other issues.

National holidays often commemorate the significant events in a country’s history. For instance, the Philippines celebrates its independence day every twelfth of June. This marks the day when the Philippines country finally gained freedom from 333 years of Spanish colonization. This event does (you need to delete ‘does’ as you’ve used teaches with but also.) not only honors the bravery of every Filipino hero that who fought against the foreign invaders but it also teaches every Filipino that freedom comes with at a price and we must not take it for granted (missing subject makes it a fragment sentence.). (Fine. So, should the government spend on celebrations of this event? Mention this clearly.) Moreover, public festivals exist to transmit religious beliefs, customs, and traditions from one generation to another. These festivals include Sinulog festival in Philippines, St. Patricks’ day in Ireland, Cherry blossom festival in Japan, and Lantern festival in Taiwan. All these play a crucial role in maintaining the character of a country. (So, should the government spend money on this? Mention this clearly.)

Note that this is an ‘agree-disagree’ question. Either you should agree that the government spends a lot of money on these events and it should spend it on other things; OR you should support the view that government DOES NOT spend a lot of money on these events and it should continue doing so. You have done neither in BP 1.

Except in TR, BP 1 scores well on all counts.

However, the weight of its their (the pronoun should refer to celebrations.significance cannot justify the amount that the governments are allocating for these celebrations. For example, the Nigerian Government usually spends 250 million dollars for the celebration of their the country’s National Democracy Day, when (excellent use of WHEN) many of its citizens are suffering from low-quality healthcare and mediocre educational facilities. If that huge amount is channeled to more important issues such as education and healthcare, it can create long-term positive effects on their the country. It can totally transform the whole educational system and can create a better and more sustainable healthcare for every citizen.

This paragraph scores well on three counts. However, the ideas expressed in this paragraph are the opposite of the opinion written in the introduction.

In conclusion, although national celebrations are vital for a country to honor important people, preserve the culture and remember historical events, it is more practical to address first the important issues in education and healthcare.

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