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IELTS Essay Correction: Throw-Away Society.

Nowadays we are living in a throw-away society. What are its causes and what are its problems? What could be done to address this issue? 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Consumerist society Consumerism (1) is creating a throw-away culture which has resulted in many problems like pollution and resource crunch (2) the lack of resources. However, this issue will be tackled by some solutions.

1. Society can’t create culture. Consumerism can.

2. Maintain parallelism – X and Y – The first word of X and the first word of Y should be parallel. Pollution is a noun, the is an article. Read my article on the Rules of Parallelism.

There are some causes of the throw-away society such as (wrong placement of SUCH AS) advertising and mass production (parallelism violation – advertising is a noun; mass is an adjective.) of disposable items. (3) Advertising creates a consumerist society so that (5) people pursuit can pursue (4) the latest goods although the goods they are unnecessary.   For example, the advertising company companies put (subject-verb disagreement) pressure on vulnerable children by pestering their parents parents by attracting (enticing) vulnerable children (sentence structuring problem) to buy new toys despite numerous toys at home. Furthermore, (6) a number of disposal disposable products are another reason. The mass production of these items has contributed to the culture where people use those goods only once and then litter them. (litter is not the most appropriate word. You can use abandon, throw, dump.) It’s easy to find these items everywhere such as coffee shops and takeaway fast food restaurants. 

3. You can write a sentence in a manner that does not seem mechanical. A lot of students (and books) write “There are some causes ….”. Let us write more naturally and humanly: Throw-away societies are often a product of massive advertising campaigns and mass production of disposable items. (Note parallelism – massive and mass are adjectives.)

4. Use the correct form of a word. Here people are DOING something. That is, they are taking an action. You need to put a VERB here. Pursuit is a noun, pursue is a verb.

5. So that = In order to. Advertisements are designed in attractive ways that compel people to pursue goods and services that they do not need.

6. You’ve used TWO cohesive devices to indicate that this is a new point – furthermore and another. Note that the overuse of cohesive devices will reduce your score.

You’ve made a nice attempt in developing the ideas in a logical manner. However, there are numerous grammar, sentence structuring and lexical resource mistakes.

This phenomenon results in various problems like environmental pollution and resource depletion. When we throw away things, they usually go to a landfill which will damages the air, the land, and the water. Also, throwing-away items mean that people need to make purchase new ones. Therefore, humans would use up more natural resources and this would result in a lack the of resource in a foreseeable future. (Fragment sentence: Merely writing ‘and lack the resources …’ is an incomplete sentence. You will lose sentence structuring bands.) 

In order to tackle this issue, the governments could should regulate the advertising that aims to target people what are vulnerable. Also, they (they refers back to governments, not government.) have to prevent advertising from of exaggerating products (I don’t know which products these are. Nor does the examiner.) products that are extremely harmful to the environment. Another solution is that the government should introduce a law about the use of disposable items. Then, the mass production of these items will be reduced. The banning the cafe from using disposable cup in a cafe in Korea is a prime example(Let us integrate the example into the explanation of your idea. The best form of cohesion is when the reader does not realize that cohesive devices exist. That is, you should avoid the use of for example, if possible.) When the Korean government imposed a strict ban on the use of disposable cups and paper napkins in all cafes and restaurants in 2001, the mass production of these items stopped. Since then the pollution in rivers and landfills has dropped significantly.

Note that I’ve completed the example with consequences of the Korean government’s actions. Note the use of time and SINCE.

Although a throwing-away society culture has brought many problems in a society, there are some measures to solve these problems through the government’s government regulations on advertisements and production and the people’s comply with this law(I can’t see the role of people in BP 3).

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