Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Many Countries Opened Doors To Foreign Tourists.

Since traveling abroad became relatively inexpensive, more countries opened their doors to foreign tourists. Is it a positive and negative trend? Give your opinion and include relevant examples.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Over the last few decades, the tourism sector has been growing at a rapid pace. In fact, a large number of people are visiting other nations due to the affordable ticket prices, and this phenomenon has proved to be advantageous for countries because it helps in bridging the gap between different cultures and in boosting the economy. (The introduction is well written. Good job! Perfect parallelism, well structured sentences, clearly mentioned opinion and reasons supporting opinion.)

To commence with, (You’ve already commenced with the introduction. No need to write this.) one of the main benefits of burgeoning tourism across nations is the closeness of people, who have different cultures who were initially scattered on alien lands (This does not mean different cultures. In your endeavour to write in different words, do not compromise the meaning of the sentence. This is a greater sin.) (1). This trend offers an opportunity to understand cultural differences (how?) and to respect new thoughts and viewpoints of people of other countries (how?), which ultimately leads to minimizing tensions between nations. (You’ve squeezed a lot of ideas in one sentence. Let me dissect them and present in two separate sentences. – 2) For instance, one recent study by World Organization has revealed that tourism has helped in increasing world peace by 30%, which is a significant improvement from the last 50 years. (3) If, in contrast, tourism had not been prevalent at this extent, people would not have been able to share positive feelings for each other irrespective of uncommon differences in language, cast, and creed. (uncommon is not the same as different.)

1. This sentence can be better structured as: The trend of international tourism plays an important role in bridging cultural differences between people of different countries.

2. When people visit foreign lands, they get an opportunity to closely study the lifestyle, food, rituals, dresses, and manners of the native people. This reduces their fear of foreigners and makes the world a peaceful place to live.

3. The example is a bit strange since it is not possible to measure peace (uncountable) in terms of percentage (countable). Let me give a simple alternative. Look at your country of residence and then look at its biggest enemy. Then bring the two closer: For example, the United States and Iran have recently allowed tourists to visit each other’s country so that the cultural differences between the west and the Muslim east can be bridged (reduced).

OR, let me modify your example: For instance, the World Trade Organization has found in a recent study that the countries, such as France and India, which invest in attracting foreign tourists do not engage in wars with other countries. On the other hand, countries such as North Korea, which restrict foreign tourists, are hostile towards others.

Furthermore, another important point in favor of visiting other nations is that it helps in the progress of the economy. This is because tourists foreigners tend to buy a variety of things such as clothes, air tickets, and souvenirs, which contributes to the local economic growth. For instance, 10% part (percentage = part) of the total Indian economy Indian government’s income comes from tourists, which is well and this money utilized for improving health care, education system and welfare of citizens. (4) If tourists are not welcomed by countries, there will be a substantial decrement in economic development. (Though the arguments are well developed, you need to make clear that the tourists are foreigners.)

4. Alternate, simple example from knowledge: For instance, the Indian government earns more than a million dollars per month directly through the sale of tickets to foreigners who visit the Taj Mahal in Agra. This money is used for the upkeep of monuments and for the development of the city.

In conclusion, due to the merits such as stronger economy and betterment of humanity by minimizing the gap between cultures, (5) I believe that this approach should be supported by nations.

5. Weird structure – betterment of humanity ….. cultures. Also, this structure violates parallelism. “Such as X and Y”. The first word of X and that of Y should belong to the same family. Here, stronger is an adjective and betterment is a noun. … such as the bridging of cultural gaps and the strengthening of the economy …..

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

2 replies »

  1. Hi sir,I would like to get correction for an essay from you as I took date for IELTS academic on December 1. it’s my 10th attempt.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.