Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Robots Important For Human Future – 1.

Some people believe that robots are important for humans to develop their future, while some think that it is a dangerous invention that will impact society negatively. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the model answer to this topic HERE.

Answer:

There is no doubt that science is working intensively to make robots. However (1) While many people think that robots are vital for the growth of people because it they (plural noun to refer back to a plural subject – robots) can help in finding solutions for many chronic diseases, others believe that this invention will have a detrimental impact on society as unemployment can burgeon. I am in agreement of with the former view. (need article the with former view since you’re referring to something specific.)

1. This sentence does not express contrast with the previous sentence. Therefore, the use of however is unwarranted. Plus, you need to connect two opposite views (many people, others) in the same sentence. Prefer the WHILE construction.

Those who believe that robots are injurious to societies might argue that they can take over jobs of people; (2) hence this approach can increase the number of jobless individuals, which . This leads to frustration among them, and, in order to make both ends meet, they can indulge in crimes also. (and = also) (You’ve written one long sentence which is extremely complex. An ideal sentence has one purpose only. Please read my article on SENTENCE STRUCTURING to better understand this.) For instance, in America, unemployment rate has increased by 10% due to the use of automatic machines to do unskilled work such as sweeping, cleaning, and security. All this work was initially done by people, many of whom have involved in crimes. (The example is very well constructed.)

2. There is no need of writing “those who believe that”. Directly jump to the point. Robots are responsible for job losses in numerous industries. (Now explain HOW and mention consequences with examples) They are very efficient in doing tasks and a robot can do work of more than 100 individuals in certain industries. Joblessness increases the frustration of the youth and they often indulge in illegal activities.

On the other hand, I would argue that the invention of robots is a one (a = one) step towards achieving solutions (some words are better than others. This will increase your score. finding cure) to many chronic diseases which people are suffering from such as diabetes and cancer (no need to write the struck off part. Plus, connect such as with diseases.). As robots, with their artificial intelligence, can assist scientist to figure out solutions to such diseases. (Inadequate explanation. – 3) For example, in a recent announcement study (announcement can’t reveal; study can.) from by NASA, which is working on robot development, has revealed that this invention will contribute in the favor of humanity particularly in the health department. (the example is not strong. Build it around the core of the essay. Simply naming departments does not build an example.) (4) If these discoveries were not getting much attention, humans would loss one ray of hope to fight against health issues.

3. How does robotics solve chronic diseases? Build a proper argument. Let me take diseases and accidents in the idea statement and explain it. On the other hand, I believe that the invention of robots is a step towards finding a cure for diseases and treating accident victims. Often, just after an accident, a doctor is not immediately available in a hospital. The first one hour, which is also called the Golden hour, is crucial to save the patient. Robots are increasingly being used in ambulances and hospital beds to provide the first aid during this period.

4. For example, NASA has recently manufactured a robot which can operate and treat astronauts who are in space. Earlier, if astronauts got injured in the space, there was no way to treat them. Robotics has solved this problem.

In a nutshell, although the invention of robots are harmful as it can increase unemployment, I believe that we should keep on investing money and time in this fruitful invention because it provides a hope to get rid of dangerous diseases.

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