Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Museums Focus On Works Of History And Culture.

Museums and art galleries should concentrate on works that show history and culture of their own country rather than works of the other parts in the world. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Museum and galleries have always been attractive places where various types of manmade works are exhibited. Some people believe that these places are better to should focus on the exhibition of the national artworks only (1); however, (however = disagree) (2) I totally disagree with this idea and believe that crafts from all around the world should be included in the museums’ and galleries’ collection due to various reasons.

1. This is an either or situation. The use of ONLY with help express this situation.

2. If you’re planning to use HOWEVER in this sentence, do not use disagree. However, I believe that crafts from ……..

Despite a few improvements suggested above, the introduction is very well constructed. You’ve clearly mentioned your opinion. Good job!

One reason why museums should not only focus only (wrong placement of only(3) on the domestic artworks is that it creates a monotonous and boring environment which does not attract many visitors, so their businesses may be affected and collapse. (Do not run through the thoughts by squeezing a number of them in one sentence. Make proper sentence divisions. You can read my article on SENTENCE STRUCTURE to understand this.) . This may seriously impact their business revenues and force some of them to shut down. By contrast, including a wide range of works in their exhibition will bring about versatility which will be appreciated by the majority of spectators. This will eventually will increase the number of visitors and make generate (4) more profits for the museums which will help them improve their services as well as extending extend their space and the variety of arrayed works. (Creating an example is not difficult. Let me show how to create a relevant example.) For example, the Cairo museum, which is the most profitable museum in the world, displays not only the Egyptian artifacts but also the Central and South African ones. This wide collection attracts tourists from Asia, Africa, Europe, and North America.

3. When you write not only, you must also use but also… should focus not only on X but also on Y.

4. MAKE = to cause something. GENERATE = to cause something to exist through another thing. You can make a cake. You can’t generate it. You can make software that will generate a video. Museums can make a profit. But, the wide range of works can generate profit. They can’t make a profit.

More importantly, if museums exhibit crafts from all around the world rather than just from their own nations, it will promote understanding and appreciation of other cultures. For instance, (This is NOT an example but an explanation of the idea statement.) when people watch the beauty and delicacy of an art craft (use either art or craftcontaining a signature of a specific culture, it is more likely that they glorify the culture and history hidden behind this that work. This may consequently bring about more unity between nations which is a positive step toward globalization. (let us write an example) For instance, the central museum of Japan showcases the history of ancient Japanese, Korean, Chinese and Eastern Russian cultures. This has helped the Japanese people appreciate the cultures of these nations and has reduced the fear of foreigners.

In conclusion, in my view, galleries and museums ought to include a versatile collection of works from all around the world. This not only attracts more visitors and brings about prosperity, but also leads to more a deeper understanding between people of different countries. Otherwise, both museums and people may be deprived of all these benefits and end up into financial problems and even closure.

Please note that I’ve suggested a few words which are better than others.

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