Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: People Moving To Other Nations.

A lot of people are moving to other nations. Some people say it is good for children while others say that it creates more problems. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Some people believe that it is beneficial for children to move to foreign countries since it helps them in personality development, whereas others think that it can be problematic to them because their studies will be negatively affected. I agree with the former view.

On the one hand, some people, including me, think that when young boys and girls live in foreign nations, they not only face an unfamiliar environment but also build new relations over a period of time. Getting exposed to these helps them to lead an independent life and build strong personalities. For instance, many children from Indian sub-continent migrate to Australia with their parents every year. (if you use the present tense – migrate – suggest that it is the right choice. every year.) Getting accustomed to the Australian way of life is difficult for them initially, but over a period of time, these turn into stronger personalities by getting familiar with the hardships of adjustment (this seems more a part of an idea rather than an example).Though getting accustomed to the Australian way of life is challenging for them initially, they gradually get used to it and become multicultural. This provides a better scope of cooperating with people of diverse cultures. 

The ideas in the above body paragraph are logically developed. It scores well on task response, cohesion, coherence, lexical resources, and grammar. However, there is a scope to better express the example.

On the other hand, some people think that moving to new countries has a detrimental effect on the academic performance of children as there are not only differences in their curriculum but also variations in the methods of assessment as compared to their native countries. (One pronoun must refer to one noun only. While the first pronoun refers to countries, the second refers to children. This is incorrect. I suggest sacrificing the former pronoun. It does not make any change in the meaning of the sentence.) (Let us further explain the DETRIMENTAL impacts further. A sudden change in these areas severely impacts the confidence of children and they are unable to find a suitable career.) For example, in India, more stress is laid on the theoretical aspects of academic subjects such as physics, biology, and chemistry, whereas in western countries much emphasis is laid on the practical aspects of these subjects. This leads to them to struggle a lot to a lot of struggle to cope up with such a gap, which badly affects their grades. (It takes years to adjust to such changes and students suffer from low grades during this period.)

Though you’ve made a nice attempt in developing the ideas in BP 2 and it scores well in TR, LR, GR, and CC; I think there is ample scope to write better. Writing more elaborately will increase your score further.

In conclusion, while some people think that moving to a new country has negative consequences on children as their studies are severely affected, I think that it is beneficial since they develop strong personalities.

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