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IELTS Essay Correction: Older Employees or Younger Employees.

Some say that young and energetic employees are the most valuable for a company; others argue that older employees have more experience and knowledge. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the model answer to this question HERE.

Answer:

Companies’ success greatly depends on their employees’ performance; therefore, in order to be prosperous, it is imperative for them to recruit workers who add values to the corporations. (It is obvious that they will add value to the company. No need to write this.) However, the age at which employees are more productive has been a topic of many arguments. (a disagreement is not necessarily an argument. Two opposing views express a disagreement.) While some people believe that young workers bring more benefits to the company, it is argued by others that older employees are more precious. I tend to agree with former group.

There is no need to write the second sentence. I suggest avoiding such sentences. They do not add any value to your answer. On the contrary, they not only are redundant (convey no meaningful message) but also are considered as a mechanical way of writing. That is, you have crammed it from a book. This will not fetch high bands.

There are some reasons why some people think that old people are valuable assets for a company. (Of course, you will explain the reasons in the body paragraphs. No need to mention that. Directly write old people in the first sentence to give an idea that this paragrah is about OLD PEOPLE. – 1) Firstly, having experience of similar tasks in the past significantly reduces the probability of making mistakes by old people. (How? Explain it. – if possible with a simple example. – 2) Secondly, an old employee with more work experience knows the ropes in the workplace (this is the same as the previous idea. Repetition of the same idea in different words will reduce your score.) (let me propose an idea on your idea’s lines. – 3), so the job will take less time to be performed and it will be unlikely to end up in undesired results. For instance, experienced customer service employees can resolve the issues of customers faster, and most of the customers will have positive experience with them.

1. Restructure. Also, note that I’ve added OLD PEOPLE at the beginning of the sentence. Always place the subject at the head of a sentence. Not at the end, as you’ve done above.: Old employees have an extensive experience of carrying out the same tasks. This reduces the possibility of making a mistake.

2. Explanation with an implicit example. An implicit example is one which is in the form of a few NOUNS sprinkled in the explanation sentences. Note that I’ve also made a comparison with younger people. The more time a person spends in one occupation such as teaching history, the more he becomes adept in it. A person writing computer codes for a decade is certainly more proficient than a youngster.

3. Moreover, experienced and mature employees can handle teams as well as clients better. An experienced customer care executive, (your example – restructured) for instance, can direct his technical teams to solve customer issues faster since he is aware of the techniques of team coordination.

Nevertheless, (= despite all the arguments. Use either of them.) despite all the arguments above, I tend to (tend = likely. You 100 percent agree, I’m sure. You’re NOT likely to agree.) agree with those who believe that young people make a company more successful. The most important reason is that young people they are usually innovative and full of new ideas. In the modern world, having fresh ideas can change the whole company’s perspectives. (This sentence does not adequately explain the meaning of new ideas in context of young employees. In the modern world, companies need new and exciting ideas to beat competition from other companies and to keep customers satisfied. Only youngsters can come up with ideas that can compete Uber, Tesla, Google, Apple (Implicit examples, as explained earlier) and scores of other existing giant companies.) For instance, Google, by recruiting young individuals, (Need to add commas. – 4) brings constant innovations to its company the market that has made this company one of the top stockholders (wrong word choice. A company can not be a stockholder in a technology world.) in technology world (… has made this company the leader of the technology world.). In addition, young people are full of energy and are able to work for long hours without getting tired. In contrast, old employees usually abdicate working after a few hours due to tiredness or bothersome pains. This impacts their productivity at work and, thus, most companies prefer youngsters.

4. Sentence structuring issue. A subject (Google) must be followed by a verb (brings). Anything that comes between them is considered a modifier and it must be placed between two commas. You can follow two sentence structures: Google, by recruiting young individuals, brings constant innovations to the market …… Google brings constant innovations to the market by recruiting young individuals …….

In conclusion, although it is thought by some that old people work more efficiently due to their experience, in my view, the younger the employees the more innovative ideas and energies are added to a company which aids the company to increase market share, revenue as well as profit advance. (Writing more specifically will help you fetch more bands. What do you mean by ADVANCE? Market share, revenue and profit are more tangible.)

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