Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Sportspersons Advertise Sports Products – 1.

Some people think that the advantages of advertising sports products through famous sports players outweigh the disadvantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Manufacturing sports products is a multi-billion dollar industry, where advertising through successful and popular sports players is a common method of boosting sales figures. Some people say, renowned (renown is a noun; here, you’re mentioning a quality of some sportspersons. They are famous. You should use an adjective – renownedsports players can better call attention to excellent quality, and, thus, customers can make better choices. I believe, however, that this marketing strategy is rather disadvantageous for consumers, as this practice can be easily misleading or even fraudulent.

For one thing, the credibility of sportsmen does not always correspond to the quality of advertised products. People trust in blindly trust (trust + noun/pronoun. No need of using a preposition with trust.the sports players they support (no need of repeating sportsThe players refers back to sportsmen.). Their achievements, their personal qualities impress their fans, (Do fans create an emotional bond? No. Achievements and qualities create an emotional bond. Note the placement of WHICH in the sentence I’ve written below.) which creates a strong emotional bond built on respect (1). This connection can be then utilised by marketing think-tanks in order to maximise profit, since convincing consumers about quality has been proved to be less efficient then exploiting emotional relations. (Need to make this paragraph strong with an example. It is not very clear. Famous Indian cricketers such as Sachin Tendulkar have endorsed inferior and junk foods such as McDonald’s to send a message that these are healthy and nutritious.)

1. Technically, the use of their is incorrect here. In the previous sentence, they refers to people. In this sentence, it should mention to people again since you’ve not used the word sportspersons again. This is not what you want you to convey. Let us correct this issue by combining the two sentences: People blindly trust the players due to their achievements and personal qualities which create a strong emotional bond ……. (No pronoun confusion – their refers to players only.)

Suggesting that you can be more successful if you choose for instance (no need to write for instance here. This is an idea statement and not an example. Moreover, the overuse of such cohesive devices will reduce your cohesion score.) the favorite training dress of an Olympic champion is another way of toying with your emotions and desires. No matter whether you are a junior athlete or just a person who exercises in order to live a healthier life, everyone yearns for success. A wide-spread tactic of these commercials is to make sports players send straightforward messages (do not use like and for instance together) like for instance such as (like) ‘Nike is the winners’ choice.’ Your personal achievements, nevertheless, are rather the results of your dedication, and they are not necessarily linked to certain trademarks.

The last sentence of the above paragraph should be the opening statement. Though the paragraph scores well on GR, and LR, it is weak in coherence (logical flow of ideas). It is not clear what exactly you want to communicate and the sentences are not logically connected to each other. This will also impact the TR score. The structure should be: Sportspersons are often used to play with people’s emotions and link them to certain brands (idea). (Explanation begins ….) They are made to believe that they can not run without a sketchers’ shoe or exercise without a Nike dress. This often acts as a distraction and instead of focusing on the activity, they focus on brands and desires. For example, my brother does not jog in the morning only because he does not have the latest Adidas shoes that cost 500 dollars and that are advertised by Michael Phelps and Usain Bolt (Note that in the example I’ve linked the points expressed in the paragraph – brands, emotions, sportspersons.).

Lastly, fans who have confidence in the best belief (I didn’t get the use of belief here. Seems misplaced.) of their favorite basketball or football player can be deceived. Besides manufacturers, sports players are also interested in making money (Oops! – 2). What their Their personal opinions and experiences about for example certain training shoes, sports dresses or other kinds of sports equipment may not even matter much if they get paid well enough. (Explanation is inadequate. See point 2 below.)

2. Wrong sentence structure – your sentence means that sports players are interested in two things – manufacturers and making moneyThe aim of both manufacturers and sports players is to make money. They often do not use the products they advertise and market them only for lucrative advertisement contracts. They engage with shoe brands they never wear and soft-drinks they never consume. This is misleading for innocent and ill-informed consumers.

In conclusion, wearing the favorite choice of your role model does not guarantee success or superior quality. Therefore, I think that advertisements suggesting this can be harmful, as they affect your emotions instead of convincing you with sound reasons.

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