Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Immunize Children From Childhood Diseases.

Some people believe that parents be obliged to immunize their children against childhood diseases while others think that individuals have the right to choose not to immunize their children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The discovery of vaccines is one of the greatest health development in the 20th century. However, at present, arguments are arising on whether the immunization of children should be based on their parents’ decision or on the mandate of the government to do so. (Do not write to do so. ….. should be based on – 1 ….; 2 …..) (1) I support the former view.

1. The question is about the rights of parents. I can’t see the role of the government in the question. Maintain task response by closely sticking to the question. However, people disagree on whether parents should be obliged to immunize their children or immunization should be a choice.

Some would argue that parents should be obliged to have their children immunized. A number of evidences (the plural of evidence is evidence) have proven Evidence has proved (proven is an adjective and it must be used with a noun. The proven formula.) that the introduction of these prophylactic substances have saved millions of children all over the world against childhood diseases such as measles, rubella, and polio, over the past few decades. For instance, the polio vaccine have has made the Philippines a polio-free country since the year 1992. This only proves that  vaccination can lessen the children’s chances of acquiring fatal childhood diseases.

However, I firmly believe that parents must be entitled to decide for the good of their children. Although the benefits of vaccination are undeniable, an increasing number of reported adverse reactions caused by the ingredients of these these medicines are is (2) also worrying. For example, the (do not use an article before a proper noun) dengvaxia, a type of vaccine, (3) which was recently introduced to the Philippines to counter the serious cases of dengue fever, (a vaccine can’t gather complaints. Wrong logic. – 3) gathered a lot of complaints from parents whose children have received the drug and suffered from paralysis and brain damage.  This led parents to blame the government on forcing them to have their children receive the shots. Therefore, neither the government nor any healthcare professional should oblige parents to involve their offsprings on procedures that may pose a risk on their (the former their refers to parents. The latter refers to children. One pronoun should refer to one noun only.) health.

2. You’ve written AN increasing number‘ – ‘AN’ makes the subject singular. Alternately you can write: “… the increasing number of adverse reactions ……. are ……”

3. Note that ‘a type of vaccine which was recently introduced to the Philippines to counter the serious cases of dengue fever‘ is a modifier. Do not use a comma within the modifier. Many parents have recently reported that Dengvaxia, a type of vaccine which was recently introduced to the Philippines to counter the serious cases of dengue fever, causes brain damage and paralysis to young children.

Though there are sentence structuring issues in both body paragraphs, you’ve made an excellent attempt in writing a specific response. Good job!

In conclusion, although receiving vaccinations can strengthen young individuals immunity against various diseases, unexpected serious systemic reactions may also arise from this. Thus, the parents’ decision concerning this matter should always be considered.

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing a polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.