Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Allowing Children To Make Their Own Choices.

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters such as food, clothes, and entertainment is likely to result in a society of individuals who think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is argued that youngsters making own choices in their day to day life will make them self-centered, while others believe, that it will be better if they are given freedom. I believe (think), children should make their choices in the supervision of elderly.

On the one hand, in countries like India, traditionally elders take decisions about routine things like clothing, food choices. There are numerous advantages of to (the right preposition with advantage is to.this. Firstly, traditional and cultural values are preserved by this. For example, tribes in Africa African tribes like Zulu (place the connecting device like next to the word it exemplifies.) have maintained their cultural identity by keeping the traditional conventional dressing and clothes. (Word repetition – traditionally, traditional – several times in this paragraph.) Moreover, adolescents are more likely to make wrong choices while taking important decisions due to lack of experience, and this can be hazardous in the long term. (You need to use article the before long term. This is an idiomatic expression and these expressions do not follow any pattern. They just exist this way.) (HOW? Explain this.) They often eat junk food for taste without giving any regard to nutrients. This compromises their health and results in diseases such as hypertension. Finally, the habit of thinking (1) for themselves will lead to self centred self-centered (all words starting with the prefix self should be hyphenated.) individuals who do not care about the community they are part of, therefore causing harm. (HOW? Lack of explanation of ideas will reduce the TR score.)

1. Habit needs a determiner before it. It can be A HABIT or THE HABIT. Since you’re talking about a specific habit – of thinking – you should use a definite determiner – the.

On the other hand, it is beneficial for youngsters to make individual choices. Children are more in sync with the current happenings around them, so (2) they are more likely to make better choices decisions (you’ve used choices multiple times in this paragraph. Let us try to avoid repetitions.) in matters like food, garments, ect (ETC is an abbreviation which must be preceded by a comma. Punctuation mistake will reduce GR score.). Youth should be entrusted to make better future citizens if they are given the (3) responsibility from an early age. A survey has found that, (Never use a comma after THAT. This is a punctuation mistake.) by reducing the voting age in India has encouraged better participation from youngsters.

2. You’ve created a compound sentence with two independent clauses. These are connected using a conjunction ‘SO’. It must be preceded by a comma. The correct construction is “X, so Y.” Punctuation mistake will reduce the GR score.

3. THE is used when you’re referring to something specific. RESPONSIBILITY is not specific here. You’re not talking about one particular type of responsibility. You’re talking about responsibility in general. This is abstract and we never use THE before abstract things.

There is an ample scope to present the ideas in BP 1 and 2 in a better way. You need to develop the ideas to score better in TR. The score is low in GR.

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In conclusion, I believe youth are more likely to take correct decisions if they are helped by the elderly. 

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