Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Companies​ And industries Move To Regional Areas.

Some people think it would be better for large companies and industries to move to regional areas outside large urban centers. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

It is thought by many people (Prefer Active voice over Passive voice.) Many people think that relocation of large organizations and industries from densely populated cities to regional areas will be beneficial. In my Opinion, the positive aspects such as space availability and employment opportunities will have an upper hand (wrong use of upper hand. It refers to advantages. Positive aspects can’t have advantages on drawbacks.) on any drawbacks of this change. (In my opinion, this has more positive impacts than negative ones.)

Admittedly, the harmful effects of big companies and industries moving to city outskirts cannot be ignored. One problem is, that (wrong placement of punctuation mark – GR issue.) the industries units manufacturing the products to be transported to cities will have to bear the an extra transportation cost which might lead to a raise rise in product prices making it expensive. (Let us write expensive in another sentence and elaborate it) This makes daily-use items expensive and exerts a burden on the budget of common people. Another problem is that there are different rules and regulations in some different regional areas by government due to which industries releasing harmful gases in those areas might have to face the lawsuits which may cost them legal punishment(The idea (different rules and regulations) and its explanation (harmful gases and lawsuits) are not clear. A reader fails to understand your message. Let me present them more clearly in SEPARATE sentences.) Moreover, when manufacturing units shift outside their existing place, they face numerous regulatory hurdles. (IDEA) Different regions have different laws and, sometimes, they deviate significantly. (EXPLANATION of idea) For example, while it is possible to hire and fire employees easily in New Delhi, the process is very difficult in the neighboring state of Haryana. (Example – New Delhi and Haryana)

Nevertheless, despite of (do not use of with despite) having minor detrimental effects (whose detrimental effects? You can avoid this problem by using THESE. Correct construction is DESPITE X, Y. Do not forget the comma. The comma separates the two contrasting statements. Don’t use Nevertheless and despite together.) the advantages of relocation greatly outweigh them. (Despite these detrimental effects, relocation has several advantages) (1) Firstly, industries of Multi-National companies (Wrong use of industries and companies) multinational companies will have enough space available for them to expand their business which will in return turn contribute to the economic growth of the country. (HOW? Please elaborate the idea before moving to the next one.) Urban areas often have space constraints which prevent the addition of new departments and the placement of new machinery. Also, as the operations expand, there is a lack of space to store inventory. This impacts the growth of businesses and that of the country.

Secondly, this movement will create employment opportunities for the people living in regional areas and will reduce the unemployment rate in huge numbers (This does not convey much once you’ve written employment opportunities) (EXPLAIN the idea). Nestle, one of the largest consumer goods companies in the world, shifted its base from Chennai city to neighboring areas. This allowed the company to expand operations which generated employment for more than 10000 rural youth. Also, (need a comma after also) people living in outskirts will no longer have to travel to urban areas for jobs. (Do not write a point that you do not plan to explain.)

1. Note that in the sentence above, ‘despite these detrimental effects’ modifies relocation. Read my article on MODIFIERS.

Thus to conclude, (thus = to conclude) the upside of transition of (wrong use of transition. It refers to change in FORM. Not the change of place.) companies and industries moving to regional areas creating the job opportunities and expansion of creates job opportunities and expands business (2) contributing to countries GDP far outweigh the minimal disadvantages.

2. Parallelism violation. X and Y = the first word of X and the first word of Y should belong to the same family. … companies moving to regional areas does two things – X = creates job …; Y = expands business. Creates and expands are both verbs. Read my article on Rules of Parallelism.

There are numerous issues with the structure of the concluding sentence. Please address parallelism first. We will discuss more issues in subsequent essays.

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