Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Become Famous By Featuring Online Or On Television.

Nowadays many people become popular by featuring online or appearing on television. Is it a positive or negative trend in our society? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

These days a good number of people are being becoming famous through online media such as YouTube and reality shows on television. In my opinion, this is a negative development as online fame can be purchased and fake talents can be popular. In addition, this sudden fame through reality shows also (Repetition of reality shows. Plus, there is no need of writing the struck off portion. Let us keep using the determiner this.) causes drug addiction and destruction of talents.

People become famous through online media when their videos or writings become viral on social media. Some people (word repetition – people) do this using technology for money (I’m not sure what technology for money means. Convey the ideas clearly.) and make a person famous (= people become famous through online ….. Repetition of the first sentence.). (The second sentence is poorly constructed as it does not convey anything meaningful (LR and TR score suffers) and has a number of repetitions (LR score falls). Instead of presenting their true talents, they often use money and technology to attract customers.) They create fake profiles to increase the number of likes and shares of their content. like and share of a content. (there are more than one like and share.) For example, Hero Alam became famous in Bangladesh by through his YouTube videos. Though his language, acting, and appearance were weird, he became a celebrity by making his videos viral using a computer program.

There is ample scope to write better by explaining the ideas in a more clear manner. Avoid repetition of words and ideas.

Moreover, modern technology has made it possible to change the (which voice?) a coarse voice to a melodious one. As a result, (this is NOT a result. This is an explanation of the idea statement.) some people use technology to become a singer. (Please explain HOW. There are various computer software that can make a voice soft and edit an audio to make an attractive song. Also, singers use special effect systems and powerful cameras to create enticing videos.) A popular singer on YouTube was asked to perform on stage live (= on stage) in Dhaka, Bangladesh who (Place the adjective pronoun WHO next to the word it modifies.) ignored as he would not be able to change his voice in live performance. (A popular youtube singer refused to perform a live show as he would be ……..)

Finally, people, (2) who become celebrities through reality shows on television, sometimes cannot handle the pressure of being a celebrity (word repetition – celebrity) which leads them to unsocial anti-social (1) work such as drug and alcohol addiction. In the end, this causes the ruin of a genius. For instance, Nolok Babu, the champion of a reality show named “Close Up 1”, (2) became addicted to drugs after being famous. He cannot be found in any stage show or new albums these days(Try using ACTIVE voice instead of a passive voice – be foundHe does not appear in any stage show and television show these days.

1. Wrong word choice. Unsocial refers to a time when people do not work. I refused to meet him at an unsocial time. Anti-social refers to something which is against the society (harmful to the society).

2. Some clauses are MODIFIERS. That is, they give an additional information about a noun in the main sentence. They are NOT part of the main sentence. You must enclose them within TWO commas. Please read my article on MODIFIERS.

In conclusion, being becoming a celebrity easily through online media and television reality show is a negative development for a society as real talent cannot be recognized and people can purchase popularity in exchange for money. Peer pressure also destroys (prefer writing fewer words. Write concisely.) causes the destruction of a talent as he may become addicted to drugs and alcohol.

Donate Used IELTS Books

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.