Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Become Famous By Featuring Online Or On Television – 1.

Nowadays many people become popular by featuring online or appearing on television. Is it a positive or negative trend in our society? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In this modern world, some people become very famous through the internet and television. I think this has a positive influence on the people since (missing conjunction – 1) they can show their talent via online websites (redundant word. Websites are online.). However, this negatively effects to the adults since many TV advertisements and Internet blogs encourage illegal brands and broadcast sexual contents. I agree with the formal view. (This is not a “Discuss both views and give your opinion essay“. You’re supposed to give your opinion only and you’ve done that. No need to write the last sentence.)

1. Conjunctions are words that connect two different clauses in a sentence. Here, you have presented two ideas. But, you have not connected them through a conjunction.

Many people are showing show (use Simple Present Tense. Present Continuous = someone is doing it right NOW; at this moment.) their talent through online websites. Some sites (let us connect the two sentences) such as Instagram, Facebook and Youtube providing better which provide access to larger large audiences. (2) Recently, Priya Prakash Varrier, an Indian Malayalam actress, (3) has turned (wrong tense) into an overnight star in India. She posted a video on the internet and it’s it has (Do not use contractions. It’s = it is; it has. This creates confusion and examiner deducts bands.) gone viral to in the whole world. With this, she has got (Maintain the same tense – turn = simple present; got and posted = simple past) an opportunity to act in many movies. Thus, a lot of unknown faces have gained (Have they stopped gaining popularity? Was this only in the past? Wrong tense.) popularity with the internet sites and these certainly provide a good platform to showcase their personal talent. (Talent is always personal. When you use these phrases, you lose bands in LR. These are TAUTOLOGICAL phrases that give the same information twice.)

2. The use of better and larger demands a comparison using than. …. provide better access to a larger audience than television.

3. “An Indian Malyalam actress” is a modifier. It gives information about P P Varrier without having any impact on the main sentence. Read my article on MODIFIERS to understand this concept.

On the contrary, from a business perspective, a lot of strange people come and promote the illegal brands with television advertisements ads. (Use words that make sense and convey meaning clearly. The meaning of strange people and illegal brands is not clear. If cigarette and alcohol are illegal, I’m sure you can’t telecast them on television.) It distracts many children’s habits (wrong word – you can’t distract habits.) and they may not focus on studies properly. (4) Most advertisements such as consumption of alcohol and cigarette appeared appear (wrong tense. use simple present tense.) in on Televisions. (COHERENCE – there should be a logical flow. First explain the type of advertisements and then their impact. You’ve done the opposite. See my comments in point 4.) Moreover, many internet blogs allow sexual contents with or without their (their does not refer to any NOUN. GR score suffers.) permission. Some Adults tend to attract this sexual content (LOGIC: Content can attract people. People can’t attract content.) and objectify the woman very badly. Therefore, a lot of advertisements brands companies promote their product even if that ads their advertisements contain illegal information and sexual content in televisions and online websites(5)

4. Restructure: On the contrary, a large number of advertisements contain objectionable content that is harmful to children. (First EXPLAIN objectionable, then EXPLAIN harmful) Television often broadcasts (shows) products that contain sexual remarks or injurious substances such as alcohol and cigarettes. These distract students from studies and drag them to physically and mentally bad habits.

5. Numerous issues with this sentence: A. Repetition of the word advertisement twice. B. There is nothing called ‘advertisements brands’. C. Content is NOT in television. Advertisements are in television. There is no need of writing ‘advertisements’.  Therefore, a lot of companies promote their products on television and websites (= advertisement) using attractive women and lewd language. 

In conclusion, although many online sites supply a good platform to the unknown people to showcase their individual talent, a lot of adults easily attract to banned harmful and sexually enticing products and sexual information. I personally (This is also a TAUTOLOGICAL phrase. I and personally mean the same thing. LR bands fall. See another such phrase in BP 1) believe, a parent should keenly observe their children regularly and avoid these unnecessary ads advertisements for their bright future. (One pronoun MUST refer to one noun only. The first their refers to parents. The secong refers to children. This is wrong and will reduce your GR score.)

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