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IELTS Essay Correction: Spending Money On Wedding.

Many people believe that spending a lot of money on weddings is fine, while others completely disagree. Discuss both views, give your opinion and examples.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

People have divided opinions on about spending on weddings. While a majority of the population believes that spending on these celebrations is a necessary part of their life to maintain their status; however, (do not use however with while. The correct construction is While X, Y.)  I believe think (avoid word repetition – believethat it is completely a complete waste of money for middle-class families since sometimes they are left with nothing behind in their lockers (1) and the this money to be wasted on marriage could be used for future benefits. (let us not repeat waste of money. Instead, use a referencing device ‘this’.)

1. Note that there are better ways to express the same idea. Instead of ‘there are left with nothing in their lockers‘, you should write: …. families since extravagant spending erodes their meager savings and this money can be better utilized.

Money is directly proportional to the status in society. (The first sentence of a body paragraph should express an IDEA. The theme of this question is not money but ‘heavy spending on weddings’. Maintain proper task response.) Extravagant weddings are a symbol of high status in society. People who are millionaires tend to spend lavishly on celebrating their marriages in view of keeping up and to (use fewer words to express an idea. Write concisely.) show off their status since they have a huge sum of money in their bank accounts and they would not bother if some amount of money is being wasted on their functions. Moreover, by celebrating these happy moments with great pomp and show, they are just meant to (redundant words) attract publicity. So that they can remain in the limelight (= they attract publicity. Do not write the same thing in different words. Rather, EXPLAIN the idea in the next sentence. Why do they want publicity?). They use this limelight to achieve political, economic and social goals. A very good perfect (An excellent) example of this is the ceremonies ceremony of famous actor and actress who celebrate precious moments of their lives in a luxurious place with the expensive dresses, orchestra, and catering with the aim of getting name and fame and showing off their status. (This is NOT an example. An example has names, places. It is VERT SPECIFIC in nature.) The wedding of famous Indian actors Ranbir Singh and Deepika Padukone attracted massive publicity from the media since it was a traditional Punjabi wedding in a famous Italian island resort which was decorated by designers from California.

For m Middle-class families who think that a huge and unnecessary expense on marriages is completely a waste of their earnings because this hard-earned money (Observe that you’ve used more than necessary words to express an idea. Even if I delete these words, there is no change in the sentence’s meaning.) could be redirected to another sources other productive uses such as pension funds and fixed deposits (wrong word – sources.) which would give them benefits down the road in terms of investments (Let us define investments more precisely/ specifically.) (2). For instance, parents who Invest money on their children in pursuing a higher qualification would be beneficial to them. (3) This is because after completing their course they would earn by getting a job at a higher position (There is a better way to express this sentence. This will improve LR score: … after completing their course they will secure a financially rewarding job.). Hence money spending could be payback to parents. (This paragraph is NOT about spending money on education. It is about “NOT spending money on weddings”. TR score suffers.) I come from a middle family too, (who else in this essay comes from a middle class family? LR score suffers.) and my parents instead of spending money on my marriage they invested it on my career instead of spending money on my marriage, my parents invested it on my computer engineering degree. (Put elements in the right order to improve coherence score.) Now I am an independent woman who is earning a lot and taking care of her my parents. (wrong pronoun.) 

2. Note that in this sentence you’ve used more words than necessary. Brevity (writing concisely) is an important principle of LEXICAL RESOURCES. Try expressing your views in fewer words. Also, you need to write more specifically. Writing precisely will improve your TASK RESPONSE score. 

3. Flawed Structure. Whenever you use an adjective pronoun (WHO), the adjective clause is not a part of the main sentence. That is, “who invest money ….. a higher qualification” is not part of the main sentence. This is merely giving a quality (adjective) of PARENTS. Your main sentence is “Parents would be beneficial to them.” Now, the problem is that you want to convey that MONEY is beneficial to children. Not parents. Right? Let us restructure the sentence: When parents invest money in the education of children instead of marriage decorations and catering, they build a strong career and ensure financial independence.

Also, you’ve made a pronoun mistake in this sentence. One pronoun must refer to one noun only. This principle is applicable to a body of pronouns as well. They, them and their must refer to either parents or children. In your sentence, their refers to parents and them refers to children. This is incorrect.

In essence, despite the fact that it is reasonable for the high profile personalities to spend extravagantly for the sake of their own (own creates tautology) benefits, I believe that for subclass common people, it is unreasonable to spend their possession like water (this does not make any sense. Do not convert your mother tongue to English language.) on the weddings, given that it is completely a waste and could be plow back to other things which would definitely bring benefits in the future. (You’ve used more than necessary words to express this idea. Use fewer words as mentioned above.)

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