Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Become Famous By Featuring Online Or On Television – 2.

Nowadays many people become popular by featuring online or appearing on television. Is it a positive or negative trend in our society? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your experience.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Some people think everyone should get a chance to present themselves for to the public if they feel the ambition to become a performer. TV Television shows like the American Idol and other similar productions throughout the world have given an opportunity to for lots of people to call the attention of millions. Likewise, Youtube and other video streaming portals have been helping tens of thousands of people to create their own channels where they can reach viewers globally. (1) There are some persuasive reasons both in favor and against this trend.

1. This is an introduction and not a body paragraph. Please introduce the topic directly instead of beating around the bush. The first sentence is completely off-topic. Also, you can merge the second and third sentence to create an opening sentence. Television shows like the American Idol and internet websites such as Youtube offer immense opportunities to become famous. Now, STATE your opinion and MENTION the reasons in its support. Keep the introduction short. I strongly believe that while this provides opportunities to millions of people, this also causes distress and anxiety among people. I’ve taken a balanced stand while mentioning the reasons supporting each view.

On the one hand, it can be said that (Redundant. Note that the sentence is complete even without this part.) talent shows grant the first chance for to amateur performers so that they can call the attention of the public. As a result, popular candidates can This enables them to (2) find publishers and other experts who could advance their way into the entertainment industry. Creating an own Youtube channel can also be the first step. Starting your own (3) show on a video streaming site does not require plentiful resources. Thus, even highly specialized contents can find their viewers at a low initial cost. (Idea repetition: low initial cost = not require plentiful resources.) (You can’t draw two conclusions – thus, consequently. Rather, you should use this sentence for explaining how Youtube reduces cost.) A person does not need professional cameras, lights, makeup artists, producers, and directors to start a channel. Consequently, this popularity can also pave the way to professional careers.

2. Use cohesive devices to improve your score. Instead of ‘popular candidates’, use they. OR try to write more specifically. That is, instead of popular candidates, write singers, musicians, dancers. This enables singers, writers, lyricists, dancers, and actors to find directors and producers who can advance their careers in the entertainment industry.

3. Tautological Phrases are those phrases in which more than one word conveys the same meaning. Here, your and own convey the same meaning. This will reduce the LR score. Other similar tautological expressions are: I personally, personal talent, my own.

There is ample scope to develop the arguments in a more logical and specific manner.

On the other hand, it is often claimed that (note that this is redundant) popularity does not always mean fine (exceptional/ excellent) quality. TV shows and Youtube channels having the greatest number of viewers tend to create invalid content. Vulgarism and primitivism are not just tolerated, but sometimes even praised by the public. Therefore, this easy access to the public can be rather harmful to the cultural level of the viewers.

Though there are no grammar and logic mistakes in the paragraph above, you’ve lost the task response. You’re supposed to write the negative effects of people becoming famous online and on televisionYou’ve written about the negative effects of television and the internet. This will reduce the TR score.

On balance, I believe appearing on TV and online is a great chance for those who have something valid (not the most appropriate word) interesting and useful to share with the world. Therefore, getting easy access to millions is rather a positive trend. Though, this way trash inferior contents content (4) and unworthy people can also reach wider audiences.

4. There can be two plural forms of the word content. If it is countable, you should use contents. If it is uncountable, you should prefer content.

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