Many people believe that spending a lot of money on weddings is fine, while others completely disagree. Discuss both views, give your opinion and examples.
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
Knotting tie Tying a knot (1) with a life partner is one of the happiest day of our lives. Some people think we should spent spend openly on marriages while others suggest of modesty. I’ll discuss both points of views in this essay and give my own opinion. (2) (Of course you will. That is the question – discuss both views and give your opinion. This sentence is redundant and it does not add any value to the essay. instead, you should state your opinion in this sentence.)
1. You’ve switched the noun and the verb. Tie is a verb, knot is a noun.
2. MY OWN is a tautological phrase (TP). A TP is one in which more than one word conveys the same meaning. This is counted as a repetition and it impacts your LR score. Use only one word: my opinion. Other TP are: I personally; personal talent; their own.
To begin with, (You’ve already begun with the introduction) it (What does IT refer to?) is thought to be (3) once in a lifetime celebration, and people want to share it with all of their friends and family members. That’s why, That is why a lot of money should be spent on renting ceremony halls and hiring catering services. (4) For instance, (This is NOT an example.) with a small budget, the guest list has have (plural verb have with singular noun guest) to be very selective and a lot of loved ones could be left out. Consequently, a regret can stay in heart for not sharing this these (singular pronoun this with plural subject events) events with some people which who (wrong pronoun.) were quite important in life.
3. Some words just add to the sentence’s length and do not add any value. These are called REDUNDANT words and they reduce the LR score.
4. Parallelism violation: “X and Y”. The first word of X and that of Y should belong to the same family. While renting is a verb, catering is a noun. Read my article on Rules of Parallelism.
NOTE: You’ve used fixed structures. 1. I’ll discuss both points …. my opinion. 2. To begin with. The IELTS examiners do not like a mechanical style of writing. You should write naturally like a human and resist any tendency to cram sentence structures.
On the other hand, the less fortunate should not be forgotten
while spending handsomely. (The other view is NOT spending handsomely.) (On the other hand, instead of spending money heavily on celebrations, one should find ways to invest it on social and economic causes.) There is no doubt that Undoubtedly, (5) many families around the globe are starving and struggling to survive every day. If a person is fortunate enough to spare extra thousands (thousand what?) money on these events, it will be not harmful to think about to contribute contributing to some charity which are is (Plural auxiliary verb with singular subject charity) assisting these people. (You’ve not addressed the context – spending money lavishly on weddings is a waste of money.) (Task response suffers.) For example, a dress (Is this a wedding dress? Lost TR.) can cost thousands of dollars while some people are living by 3 dollars budget per month. So sharing a fraction of amount of the cost of a dress can bring drastic changes in someone’s life in ,for instance in Africa. (Let us write the example more clearly. While millions of Africans live on less than a dollar a day, many Americans spend millions on expensive wedding jewellery. I think this money can be better utilized by improving the lives of poor people.)
5. Write concisely. Use fewer words to express the same idea. Brevity is a respected principle in formal English writing.
In my opinion, a
moderate (it is unclear what a moderate approach is.) approach should be considered. Although it should be tried to make this day (which day? THIS does not have a subject to refer to.) remembering but (do not use but with although.) we should also consider having limits. A wedding should not be just an event involving 3 to 4 people but it should also not be a grand reception.
In my opinion, it is advisable neither to spend lavishly on weddings nor to act too miserly (prudently). While these ceremonies (refers back to weddings in the first sentence) should include all relatives and friends, they (= weddings) should not incur heavy and unnecessary expenses.
There are numerous areas of weakness. Your primary focus should be – 1. Grammar. 2. Sentence Structure. There are task response and lexical resource issues as well. However, improvement in these areas can wait.
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