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IELTS Essay Correction: Factors Influencing A Child’s Development.

Some people think that the main factors influencing a child’s development these days are things such as television, friends, and music. Others believe that the family still remains more important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Undoubtedly, children’s development are is affected both by their family members as well as and (both X and Y) other factors in their environment (1) like television programs, their peers, and music. People have different views which about factors that influence children the most in the modern world (This sentence is similar to the idea expressed in the previous sentence. It does not add any new information.. Avoid it.). In my opinion view, (avoid word repetition – viewfamilies have are the a major influence in children’s lives.

1. Like and Such As must be placed next to the word they exemplify. Here, LIKE modifies other factors and not the environment. Also, you need to ensure that the rules of parallelism are followed. “like A, B, and C” – the first words of A, B, C should be parallel. Let us make them NOUNS. Their is a pronoun.

Some people claim that children are dominantly affected by factors such as their friends and TV television due to various reasons. Firstly, they spend most of their effective active (useful; productive) lives (Effective is not the right adjective with lives.) either in school with their friends or at home listening to music or and watching movies TV. (avoid repeating television) Therefore, they rarely have the opportunity to spend quality time with their family members, so they and are less likely to be influenced by their parents’ or siblings’ behaviors. (Use ‘SO’ to begin a new sentence.) In addition, media, in particular, the movies, (In particular means especially. You have to give a subset of general term MEDIA. Movies, in particular, the French ones, are ……) are very powerful tools these days, and their effects are seen apparent everywhere. For instance, images of a cartoon character such as Cinderella can be visualized seen (not the right word choice) all around a girl’s environment from the picture prints on their her T-shirt to their her pencil case. (pronoun mistake) Therefore, these characters become the desirable figures for children and affect them the most.

Nevertheless, I totally (This is a FILLER word. Filler words/ phrases are those that do not add any value to the sentence. They just occupy space. These include: totally, basically, actually, etc.) agree with those who consider family as the main effective (Wrong word choice. Can be avoided.) factor in a child’s development. The most important reason is that children tend to be are (Tend has an element of likelihood.) emotionally dependent on their family members. This personal level of relationship which (personal level of relationship is unclear and vague.) will leads (use Simple Present Tense.) to more powerful influence by of parents. (There is an element of comparison in MORE. More X than Y.) (It is better if you elaborate “influence”. Parents teach them table manners, communication skills and languages which television and the internet can not.) In addition, family members, in particular parents, are dominant role models in children’s lives. Children have a great desire to mimic their parents’ behaviour. This is obvious from early childhood when young kids pretend to be their own (Tautological phrase – their and own convey the same meaning. This reduces LR score.) parents in ways such as putting on their shoes. (You’ve not explained MIMIC adequately and specifically. They copy their parent’s manners, wear similar dresses, and use the same perfumes as their parents do.)

BP 2 needs better elaboration of ideas. Also, you need to write more specifically.

In conclusion, while some people may argue that in recent years, (wrong punctuation) other factors like TV and friends affect children more than their parents do, (2) I strongly believe that this is not the case. In my opinion, parents are still the a major influential factor in children’s lives due to personal and emotional level of relationship as well as children’s tendency to mimic their behaviour.

2. Wrong comparison: You can’t compare other factors affect with Parents.

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