Some people think that public health is the responsibility of the government while others think that people should be responsible for their own health.
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
One part of the population believes that the health of the community is the responsibility of its government, while others view it as an individual task. In my opinion, (1) both parts are equally responsible for public health.
1. Punctuation: In my opinion is an introductory phrase. These phrases set the stage for the sentence and they must be followed by a COMMA.
On the one hand, governments
are handling utilize (handle) (2) the taxpayer’s money to provide multiple services to the community, and a major part of these services is the health sector , s (Let us end the sentence here. It is sufficiently long) . So it will have the money (3) to open more health centers and to raise awareness in different ways. It spends these resources to open health centers, provide subsidized medicines, and raise awareness on multiple health issues through medical camps and advertisements. Also, (ALSO is an introductory phrase. See point number 1.) governments are given the authority by people (prefer ACTIVE voice) have the authority to implement rules, such as prohibiting smoking in public areas, that plays a crucial role in preventing various diseases will be of great importance for the greater good. (4) Let us explain this idea in one more sentence before switching to the next idea. Recently, the Beijing administration imposed a ban on driving cars during weekends to control the ballooning pollution. Only a government has the potential and resources to implement such measures. Not to mention that governmental acts on a population tend to be more organized than individual ones and of more mass effect. (HOW? You should elaborate an idea sufficiently so that the communication is clear. It is better to raise two points and develop them than to raise three and explain insufficiently.)
2. The Present Continuous Tense gives a sense that something is going on RIGHT NOW. Prefer Simple Present Tense when something is generally true. Utilize is a better word than handle.
3. Logic Problem: The government is not providing health services to have more money. You’ve made a wrong connection. Note that I’ve made the right connection in the sentence above and have made the sentence more specific (underlined). Writing SPECIFICALLY will improve your written communication and raise the band scores.
4. You’ve written vaguely. What are great importance and greater good? They do not convey any message. Write more specifically as I’ve done above. You made a similar mistake earlier (highlighted in point 3).
On the other hand, individuals are the building block of any community and a healthy population will require an individual that takes care of his or her
own health. (5) (Explain this point completely.) Exercising regularly and eating healthy food are an individual’s choices and no government can compel him. Secondly, (A comma after an introductory phrase) compliance to health guidelines and regimens are always dependent on the single a citizen , s . So, if a person received receives (6) the best health care, he or she will still need to maintain a proper sleep cycle, reduce stress and eat homemade food only. be compliant to the health plan to gain its benefits. (vague – see points 3 and 4.) Last but not least, every individual will have has (wrong tense. Every person still has knowledge. That will NOT be in future.) a better knowledge of his or her body and health needs, and that will lead leads to easier modification of health plans according to needs. (HOW?)
5. A Tautological Phrase is one in which TWO words convey the same meaning. His own convey the same meaning. This reduces the LR score. Other TP are: I personally; my own; personal talent.
6. IF THEN clause: If (present tense), Then (future tense).
NOTE: When you fail to elaborate your points adequately in a specific manner, you lose bands in both TR and LR. It sends a message that you lack the vocabulary (LR) to express your ideas clearly.
In conclusion, I believe that individuals
has have (plural subject individuals with singular verb has – incorrect grammar) the responsibility to follow the general health guidelines and to modify their own (Tautological phrase) lifestyles accordingly, while governments also has have (Plural subject and singular verb – incorrect grammar) a duty towards the community to enforce public rules and ensure better health and to handle taxes money in a way that will help the health sector. I believe that both carry this task together and are equally sharing this burden. (The conclusion is too long. Let us reduce its length by adding I believe that in the first sentence and deleting the last one.)
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