Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Employers Ask for Personal Information – 1.

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information such as their hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Some people think that employers asking the job seekers for private information such as marital status and hobbies are is (subject = employers asking …..) admissible and beneficial while others say it is irrelevant. In my opinion, sharing personal information it (you’ve already used IT as a referencing device earlier. Continue using it to prevent word repetitions and improve cohesion) helps employers to hire the appropriate candidate and hence it is crucial in the hiring process.

On the one hand, there are serious compelling (a more appropriate word) grounds to believe that employers need to know more than just the professional information. With the growing emphasis on collaborative work culture and the (parallelism) requirement for employees to fit into team dynamics, information about hobbies and interests play a significant role. With the help of such information, (You’ve already used the WITH X, Y construction. Let us avoid repeating it.) employers are able This enables employers to select the right candidate for the suitable position. For instance, several applicants are deemed to be fit for content writing job according to their curriculum vitae and those among them having an interest in writing are best suited for this position. (1) Thus, employers need to ask personal questions to figure this out. Moreover, an employer may also benefit from a potential employee’s marital status. For example, if an employer is looking to hire an air hostess who has to do work in odd shifts, he will not prefer to give the job to a married woman with young kids.

1. Let us be more specific while writing an example. Name a company. For instance, while more than 1000 people applied for content writing jobs at Microsoft, the company selected only those who had a hobby of writing regularly. 

Though the arguments are well developed, there is scope for better sentence structuring. Also, the examples can be developed in a more specific manner.

On the other hand, those who many believe that sharing personal information might be misused (sharing can’t be misused. Information can be.) and, hence, (Place hence within two commas. – 2) these questions should not be asked. According to them, recruiters may use information it (Avoid word repetition. Use a pronoun to refer back to personal information.) to discriminate against an employee and this argument is valid to an extent. (You should not write “it is valid”. Rather, explain how it is valid – as you’ve done in the next sentence.) For example, an employer may decide not to hire someone whose religious beliefs may clash with theirs which might lead to a heated argument on any religious conversation during office hours eventually affecting and negatively affect the work environment.

2. Interruptors are words that are not a part of the main sentence. These words disrupt the flow of a sentence to convey an important information. They should always be placed within commas. I, however, decided to stay at home.

In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinion, I believe that personal information will help the helps an employer to make the correct choice which is extremely beneficial for the company as well as for the applicant who is getting the job of his interest.

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