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IELTS Essay Correction: High Sales And Power Of Advertising.

Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Nowadays, the sale of enterprises tends (use singular verb tends with a singular subject sale.) to increase due to advertising. The different modes of advertising is are used to promote the consumer products. (wrong use of article the. This determiner is used to refer to something specific. Different modes and consumer products are not specific.) However, it is believed that (Passive voice. Prefer Active voice. Moreover, this is redundant. Completely avoidable.) I believe that consumers these products (repetition of consumer products) are not neither needed or nor affordable to for the society. I agree because products are not affordable to the people(There is no need to write the last sentence. Merge it in the previous one.)

The introduction suffers from numerous grammar and lexical resource issues. Avoid repeating words. Also, when you write unnecessary words, phrases or sentences, you lose bands.

Massive money is spent (passive voice) for on advertising to promote their products. (1) Celebrities are hired (passive voice) to act in advertisements (avoid word repetition – 1) in order to to attract the people. The An (Are you talking about a specific athlete?) athletic athlete who is followed by teenagers and children plays a role in advertisements (word repetition) of milk products and they are he is paid overwhelming money. (2) Second, startups emphasize on advertisements to set up their business. For example, e-commerce companies like Paytm offers offer (plural verb for a plural subject – companies) of money cash back, huge discounts and free products. (lost task response – 3) As customers use those softwares, they receive notifications on new products kept for sale. (There is no mention of advertisements.) Thus, by using strategies of adverisements (which strategies? You’ve not mentioned advertisements earlier in this point.), huge money comes in companies’s basket. (Loss of task response. 3)

1. A pronoun must refer to a noun. Their does not refer to any noun. Moreover, this is passive voice. Let us make it active. Companies spend a massive amount of money on advertising thier products. They hire celebrities to endorse these products in the public (= advertisements)

2. It seems that you tried to build an example. An example needs to be more specific than this. Name the athlete. Name the milk company. Also, the task response is poor. You MUST mention that the products are not needed in society. Mr. XYZ, who is a famous athlete and is followed by millions of children, supports (= advertises) Belgian Chocolates which do not have nutritional value (= not needed)

3. In body paragraphs of an opinion essay, you need to explain your opinion. Here, you have failed to do so. I can’t see that the advertised products are not needed in society.

It is believed that high earning cash-rich companies through advertisements use advertisements to promote the consumer products which are not significant to required in a society. For instance, people living in the rural area do not accept consumer goods due to their life style. (4) They believe in hygienic foods instead of products made by companies. (Please stick to the point. Explain that these foods are NOT needed.) Further, people living under the poverty are not able to spend money on consumer goods as they cannot afford it these expensive non-essential items. (5) In Asian countries, where more than 60% people living under poverty who and cannot get two square meals food for two times, are not capable of purchasing the products advertised by these companies.

4. Do not write vaguely. This reduces score in both TR and LR. The examiner assumes that you’ve failed to communicate the idea (TR) due to poor vocabulary (LR). Write clearly – which consumer goods. For instance, McDonald’s spends a huge amount of resources to advertise its products on radio, newspapers, and television. The company’s products are deep fried and are not healthy.

5. IT, a singular pronoun, refers to GOODS, a plural noun. You should use THEY. However, you’ve already used THEY to refer to PEOPLE. Since one pronoun must refer to one noun only, you should write something else.

In conclusion, advertising plays crucial role in a company’s growth and companies have a budget of for spending money for on advertisements nowadays. Advertising It does not fulfill the needs of the society due to costlier products or the economic status of people.

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