Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Replace Experienced Employees With Inexperienced Ones.

Some People argue that it is not wise for an industry to replace its experienced but old workers with new and young yet inexperienced individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Hiring young freshers (freshers are young) in the (1) organizations by retiring experienced elder workers is considered as an unwelcoming decision by a significant number of people. However, (no need of howeverI, vehemently, (do not put vehementaly in two commas. It is an adverb that qualifies the verb disagree. It is not an interruptor that should be put between commas.) disagree with the notion.

1. Determiner THE is used when you are referring to something specific. Here, there are no specific organizations. You’re talking about organizations in general.

You’ve used however in BP 1 as well as in the introduction. Overuse of cohesive devices will reduce the CC score.

Undoubtedly, old employees have gained invaluable expertise in their long-haul career, however (2) . However, a majority of them become feeble at a later stage of their life due to which they (missing subject) have comparatively weak physical strength and low retentive power than young recruitees recruits. As a result repercussion, (I’ve never heard of this use of repercussion. Better avoid it.) they are not able to perform their duties meticulously which is not in the best interest of a company’s progress. To exemplify, I, being a manager in a corporate firm, noticed that workers having age more older than 60 years are not able to work efficiently since problems like dementia and fatigue start developing with the progression of age.

2. These are two independent clauses and they have separate purposes. You can’t connect them with a comma. End one and begin the next.

Moreover, another factor that favors the replacement of old employees with young ones is the problem of unemployment. Nowadays, youngsters are confronting with the issue of lack of job opportunities despite having good adequate/ proper academic qualifications. Thus, (THUS is used when the argument is complete. You are still developing it.) the retirement of old workers would be a pragmatic solution because it would open a way for young aspirants to enter into a professional career, resulting in solving the predicament of joblessness. (But, is this wise for the industry? Task response.) Solving this issue is crucial for the industry as well since it helps in bringing social and economic stability.

To conclude, although experienced employees are assets of an organization due to their gained skills and experience, their substitution by young workforce should be considered a rational approach for the company and for the youngsters as well(as well = and)

You’ve made a good attempt in developing the arguments in a logical and precise manner. However, there are a few sentence structuring and lexical resource issues.

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