Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Shopping As Leisure Activity For Young Adults.

Some people see shopping as a leisure activity mostly for young adults. Do you think this has a positive or negative effect on economic development? Give your opinion and include relevant examples.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Most people, especially youngsters, find shopping a relaxing spare-time activity. According to me, this adds a lot (… this significantly contributes …..) to the economic growth of a country through revenue generation and advertisement advertising policy.

The introduction is well structured. You’ve STATED your opinion and MENTIONED the reasons in its support. You can choose a better combination of words to improve the LR score.

In recent years, because of globalization, a vast variety of consumer goods such as branded mobile phones, clothes and perfumes are available in the market. This has increased the proportion of young people spending a major portion of their time in shopping in recent years. (1) Generally, tax is also (wrong use of alsoincluded in the price of almost (Generally and almost mean the same thing.) every product. (2) Hence, the more the people shop, the more (whose income?) income is generated. (Prefer the active voice.) The funds then can be allocated (3) to build infrastructures, such as roads and tourists resorts, to attract foreigners. As a result, an (do not use a/ an with an uncountable noun – moneyadditional money can be earned and can make a country financially and economically stronger.

1. There are certain phrases that set the background for a sentence. These should preferably be used at the beginning of the sentence. These include “in recent years”.

2. A wrong use of words, especially cohesive devices, will reduce the band score. There is no need of also in this sentence. You can merge the two sentences to create a complex sentence: Since the tax is included in the price of every product, the more people shop, the more is the government’s income.

3. Just a comment that the passive voice is fine here. When the subject (government) of a sentence is not important and there is a need to focus on the object (funds), you should place the object at the head of the sentence through passive voice.

Moreover, the persuading advertisements of 50-80 percent discounts and buy one get one free on attractive discounts and offers in many outlets and shopping malls, especially during winter and summer holidays, entice young women to purchase dresses and jewellery. the products (which products? The article the indicates that you’re referring to some specific products.). The strategy behind these is to finish the old stock and to put up the new one according to the season. Most people buy the items on sales, which otherwise they would reject after seeing the high costs, regardless of their needs. (You’ve used a lot of words to convey two ideas. – 4) Consequently, high-rate higher sales exert pressure on the companies to increase their productivity. This increases a company’s revenue and productivity which, in turn, raise the GDP of a country. Hence, as more clothes and accessories are produced in the market, the GDP increases tremendously, which is directly proportional to the economic development of a nation.

4. You’ve mentioned 2 benefits of attractive discounts and offers. Let us write concisely and merge the two benefits using not only but also construction. These not only help companies finish their existing stock and add new products but also give an opportunity for people to save money on expensive items. (Now explain both points with an example) For instance, last month I purchased Levis jeans worth 500 dollars at a 50 percent discount. I could never have purchased this product at its normal price.

You made an attempt to elaborate on ideas. However, you consume more than necessary words to express ideas. Also, try to give an example. Note the manner in which I have structured the paragraph:

Sentence 1: Attractive offers and discounts (IDEA).

Sentence 2: Benefits (using not only but also).

Sentence 3 and 4: Example of benefits (Levis).

Sentence 5: Impact on companies and the economy (Revenue, GDP).

In conclusion, some think that shopping is a recreational activity and, in my opinion, this has a positive impact on financial progress of a country since it helps the government to generate revenue and increases the output by adverting campaigns.

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