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IELTS Essay Correction: Spend Money On Faster Public Transportation – 2.

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing transport.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Public transport has been improving all around the world. While some countries are spending a large (significant) amount of money on constructing new railway lines, others are strengthening the existing transport system. In my opinion, spending money on new railway lines would be more beneficial for many countries.

Constructing new railway lines is definitely helpful in many ways, f (1) . Firstly railway travel for common people, who go travel for long distances for work, it will save there time as all the city traffic which is avoided and even decrease pollution in the city. (2) Secondly, railway tickets are always cheaper and this would make even a daily wage worker to use public transport without any stress on monthly expenses. Thirdly, railways, in general, (3) carry a large number of people, so . So, in a country like India, where the population is rapidly increasing, (4) railways would help in transporting these large population people rapidly than as compared to any other public transport. For example in countries like Japan, there railways and fast trains are so efficient that good amount of most people take use/ prefer public transport for work and reach in time.

1. Do not connect two independent clauses with a comma. Both have different purposes and have an independent existence. Keep them separate.

2. Note that I’ve carried the subject from the previous sentence. I’ve used it to refer to constructing new railway lines. This increases cohesion and prevents the repetition of words. Also, put ‘who travel long …..’ within two commas since it is a modifier for common people. Finally, there is a parallelism issue. “IT WILL – A and B“. The first word of A and that of B should belong to the same family. “it will save …. and decrease …..”. Both are verbs.

Read my articles on Parallelism and Modifiers.

Note that a modifier is not a part of the main sentence. It is a clause which gives information about a NOUN in the main sentence. Anything which is NOT a part of the main sentence is put within two commas. These include INTERRUPTORS and MODIFIERS.

3. Interruptors are phrases that are not a part of the main sentence and interrupt the natural flow of the sentence. These MUST be put within two commas (life modifiers). In general is an interruptor. Similarly: I, undoubtedly, believe that he has stolen my money.

4. Use SO to begin a new sentence. These are two independent clauses and they can not be separated by a comma. Put a full stop (period). Also, “where the population is rapidly increasing” is a modifier of India. It must be put within commas. 

While you have the ability to write specifically and logically with proper cohesion and organization of content, the sentence structuring is poor. Also, a few words are vague or too common. Make a better word choice. You repeat a number of words. Use either alternative words or pronouns to avoid noun repetitions.

Whereas, A conflicting (An opposite) view is that spending money on improving existing public road transport by road in any country may also help in a certain way. People are already well versed with the existing transport system. (repetition – the existing transport) (EXPLAIN the idea completely) If a new railway system is introduced, they may take years to adapt to it. It is already there since long years, so initial investment would be less burden to countries economy. (Separate the next idea from the previous one using a connector moreover.) Moreover, since it is already constructed, the investment for upgrading is lower than constructing new railway systems. Road transport is already connecting peripheral areas of the country to central regions, so . As a result, even a person from the countryside villager, (6) who is illiterate, can take a bus to travel city when required. The number of buses could be increased and the (7) routes and timings planned so crowding and traffic jams could be avoided.

5. WHEREAS is used to compare two ideas in the same sentence. “Whereas X, Y”. To compare two contrasting ideas in two separate paragraphs, use On the other hand, however, A conflicting viewpoint is that ……

6. WHO is an adjective pronoun that gives quality of the noun it is connected to. Here, it gives the quality of countryside. Not person. Make the right placements.

7. Parallelism issue. “A and B ….”. The first words of A and B should be parallel. Let us use THE – a determiner – for beginning both. 

There are numerous sentence structuring, grammar, and lexical resource issues. The first two ideas are not adequately explained. TR, GR, LR scores will suffer.

To conclude, improving public transport and spending money on it, (wrong punctuation. No comma needed.) will certainly help countries to progress in future. But, I think , (use two commas – interruptor) constructing railway lines, is far more beneficial than improving road transport.

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