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IELTS Essay Correction: People Eat Too Much Junk Food.

Scientists agree that many people eat too much junk food and it is damaging their health. Some people think that this problem can be solved by educating people, while others believe that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Click HERE to read the model answer.

Answer:

Consumption of junk food has been proven to cause damage to heath by scientists. (Oh no! – 1) While a few people think this can be overcome by educating people, others do not think of this as an effective method. (2) I personally (3) think exercise and will-power (I have merged this in the previous sentence) along with education will be a better way to help with the transformation. (Let us restructure this sentence to avoid repeating education and exercise and will-powerI think a combination of the two approaches is vital for preventing diseases.)

1. This is one of the greatest pitfalls of passive voice. Placement of the subject is often confusing. Your sentence means “scientists cause damage to health“. Restructure: Scientists have proved that the consumption of junk food causes significant damage to human health.

2. Pronoun mistake: One pronoun must refer to one noun only. In your sentence, the first this refers to “junk food damages health”. The second one refers to educating people. This is incorrect construction. It is better to write ALTERNATIVES of educating people,…. others believe exercise and will-power are the only solution. Now, explain this solution in the body paragraphs.

3. Tautology: It refers to TWO or more words in a phrase having the same meaning. I and personally mean the same thing. This reduces the LR score. Other tautological combinations are my own, personal talent, etc.

(4) Nowadays, junk food is found almost everywhere now and the temptations to eat them is triggered by advertisements of junk these (avoid word repetition – junk. Let us use a pronoun instead.) products. (5) Educating people to lead a healthy lifestyle is very important to prevent any adverse influence of these advertisements. as it will help people be aware of the consequences they will later face. For example, eating from places that provide organic food might be a healthy option to start with (6) along with (These are two different approaches and along with is not the best cohesive device to connect them. – 7) exercise to burn the unwanted fat gained from junk food. (What is the link with EDUCATION or ADVERTISEMENTS? Loss of coherence.) Public service announcements (What is that? This is vague and unclear.) can be made to promote cooking as the person people have control of all the ingredients used in the meal.

4. NOW is a word that sets the stage for the sentence. It must be used at the beginning of the sentence and should be separated from the main sentence by a comma. Other such stage-setting words include moreover, however, these days etc.

5. Loss of COHERENCE. What is the link between advertisements and education? One sentence must have a logical connection with the previous sentence.

6. To start with is a phrase that sets the stage for the main sentence. Do same as mentioned in point number 4. The issue is that you’ve already used another stage setting phrase – for example. No need to use two of them.

7. Restructure (WHILE X, Y): For example, WHILE eating organic food prevents the accumulation of excess cholesterol, regular exercise is an excellent way to reduce already accummulated fat.

Educating people might not be the only way to get them on the right path as even though people they know it is unhealthy to consume fast food, they might not have a choice. With our (you can’t use our for work-forcebusy lifestyle these days, the work-force opts to have a quick meal and focus on other home chores or to do (parallelism – to is common with all verbs – have, focus, do.) something else other than focusing (repetition of other and focus.) (8) on health, within the remaining time. (Does not convey any meaningful message? What do you mean by remaining time?) People They do not want to spend time preparing something healthy as it is time-consuming. For example, fast food is a preferred choice of for many people young working professionals after work (too much repetition of people) as there is less waiting time and is cost effective. (9) This leads to most humans living a very unhealthy life. This then comes down to an individual choice people make to stay healthyThus individual lifestyle choices are more important than health education.

8. There are ways to prevent this repetition. Let us make FOCUS common for all. Let me show how: These days, with our busy lifestyle, people opt to have a quick meal and FOCUS ON home chores or professional work instead of health.

9. This is not an example. An example is always more specific than a general statement. For example, most youngsters in Mumbai earn a low salary and have to work for more than 12 hours a day. This prevents them from eating healthy food, which is both costly and time-consuming, and they prefer eating at KFC and McDonald’s.

To conclude, I think although education helps to a certain extent, clean eating fresh home-made food along with exercise should come from within.

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