Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Shopping As Leisure Activity For Young Adults – 1.

Some people see shopping as a leisure activity mostly for young adults. Do you think this has a positive or negative effect on economic development? Give your opinion and include relevant examples.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Many young people like to buy products in their free time. However, (1) there is an ongoing debate about whether this trend is beneficial for economic growth or not. (This sentence is not necessary since it does not add any value to your answer. Please avoid these type of sentences.) I think the pros advantages of this trend far outweigh the cons disadvantages because today’s economy relies on people’s ability to purchase to generate tax revenue and get direction for the development of new industries (this part needs to be placed next to today’s economy. Use it as a modifier. – 2).

1. Wrong cohesive device. You’re not contradicting the previous statement. Note that unnecessary or incorrect use of cohesive devices will reduce the CC score.

2. Restructure: … because, to generate tax revenue and for the development of new industries, today’s economy relies on people’s ability to purchase goods. Note parallelism – to and for.

Consumerism is the backbone of the modern economic model. Presently, the world’s most economically successful economical (wrong word – economical. Please check its dictionary meaning.) countries, like the United States, China, and Japan, depend on this model. This is because a certain amount of tax is collected by the government for every purchase. (You can make it active: This is because the government collects a certain amount of tax for every purchase.) Therefore, if a certain age group youngsters prefer to make purchases in their spare time, they are contributing to the tax revenue which could be is utilized to facilitate other sectors resulting in the expansion of the economy. For example, these funds could be used to give subsidized services to farmers and improved improve (Parallelism – …. used to – A and B – give …… improve …….infrastructure for the transportation of goods which can boost the industrial activities, according to economists. (“According to economists” is not a part of the main sentence. It is used to give reference. I call such words/ phrases interruptors. They must be separated from the main sentence through COMMAS.)

The arguments in the above body paragraph are well developed. Task response and cohesion and coherence are good.

Another positive aspect is that their purchasing habits can set trends which could give rise to new sectors. To illustrate this For example, over the last few years, organic food products became (avoid repetition of become. Plus, use the present tense. Past tense seems incorrect.) have become (… products have gained popularity) popular among young people in North America as they became have become more health conscious. As a result, a whole new industry of organic vegetables, fruits, and meat has developed which has created a lot of jobs and contributed in to the gross domestic product of these countries.

The ideas are well argued. You should use the present tense. You’ve written “over the last few years”. This means, something started in the past and it continues in the present. The correct tense is the Present Perfect Tense.

In my opinion, the people from this age group can contribute significantly to financial progress by causal casual shopping as it helps governments to collect tax revenue and sets trend for new industries to grow.

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