Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Give Staff Four Weeks Holiday Per Year – 4.

Some people think that employers should give staff at least four weeks holiday per year to improve their job performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Many people believe that employees should get minimum a month of break annually to boost their performance. I completely agree with the above statement because doing so will not only let an employee focus on other priorities of his life but will also (Since ‘will’ is used outside ‘not only but also’, it is common for both.) help him rejuvenate his mind thus leading to increased performance(Just MENTION the points you plan to discuss in the body paragraphs. Leave the conclusions of these points for discussion in the relevant paragraphs.) 

The primary reason of why the 4 four week time gap for every worker is much needed is that because (The primary reason for X…. is that Y….) during this time he can fulfill his family commitments. (The primary reason for such (refers back to the first paragraph) a long holiday is that it allows an employee to fulfill his family commitments.) Every person has some family promises to keep which are sometimes delayed or ignored because of the hectic work schedule. This may lead them to face an unhealthy relationship (..to unhealthy relationships) with family members. For example, yesterday news in the Hindustan times recently mentioned of a wife from Noida demanding a divorce because her husband never took her on a vacation during their 5 five years of marriage. Thus, (need a comma here) to keep elevating our performance and focus on work, we employees have to ensure adequate attention to the family through a long holiday. there is no family pressure of any kind(Let us draw the right conclusion and mention EMPLOYEES in the sentence.)

Moreover, by getting 4 weeks of holiday, an employee will be able this long holiday will enable an employee to reset his monotonous routine to notice the condition of his health. By doing so, (Need a comma after an introductory clause.) he can make sure that he is not inviting any dangerous disease by ignoring its symptoms (Overuse of BY construction.). (You do not need a cohesive device always to connect two sentences. Some constructions are implicit and using a cohesive device at these places will reduce the CC score. This is one such sentence. It is an explanation of the previous sentence. You can directly proceed.) (1) As they say, a healthy mind stays in a healthy body (Let us not use someone else’s words. Let us write originally) Since a healthy body is essential for a sound mind, ensuring optimal health motivates a person to achieve new heights by pushing his professional performance. For instance, a recent study by James college, London, has shown that people who indulge themselves out of work on long holidays annually have 40% less chance of catching a disease and performs 20% better 20 percent greater productivity (’40’ and ‘performs’ are not parallel) compared to those who work all year long.

1. Moreover, this long holiday will enable an employee to reset his monotonous routine to notice the condition of his health. Continuously monitoring variables such as blood pressure, blood sugar and alkalinity of urine, a person can prevent numerous diseases.

To conclude, I agree that a month’s break is necessary to handle other priorities of life and come back with a relaxed state of mind ensuring . This ensures no obstacles from health and family in the near future.

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