Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Balance Between Work And Other Aspects.

Nowadays, many people aim to create a balance between their work and other aspects of life. However, only a few achieve it. What are the problems in doing this and also mention the solution?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Read Model Answer to this question: Balance Between Work And Personal Life.

Answer:

At the beginning of each year, many take important resolutions they think would change their life for better. With balancing between work and other aspects of life being the most common one. Every year, millions of people make resolutions to balance their professional compulsions and personal preferences. (There are better and concise ways to write this.) Unfortunately, many fail at this mainly due to their constant internet connection. Slowing down life‘s pace (Slowing down the pace of life) and joining team activities can help pave those people’s road to them (Write concisely, use cohesive devices and write in a simple manner.) achieve their target.

Note that when you fail to write in a concise manner or write unnecessarily, you will lose bands in TR. This shows that you lack the lexical resource to express your ideas in the most appropriate words.

Failing The failure at balancing between personal and work life can be attributed to the fact that people are always carrying their smartphone wherever they go. (Write more clearly in a concise manner: Most people always carry a smartphone and this becomes the primary reasons for failure to strike a balance.) Connected 24/7 to the internet, these little devices are is the a source for all the after office hour additional work because of the constant work-related notifications that appear on their screen. (1) To which people feel compelled to respond and hence spend extra time doing work related tasks. (Can’t begin a sentence with TO.) To a lesser extent, the overseas nature of the business, that most of the companies today have, (… that most of the companies have …” is not a part of the main sentence.) can force people to be engaged engage in work after their local time office hour due to time difference between the communicating parties. Thus, they can neither play with their children nor spend sufficient time with their parents.

1. Again, there is ample scope to structure this sentence in a manner that the idea is clear. These devices keep employees connected to work at all times through work-related notifications. They feel compelled to respond to these tasks and this prevents them from spending adequate time with the family.

To successfully isolate work life from other aspects, people need to live at a slower pace. For example, they should change their phone’s password to a long, difficult-to-type one in order (redundant) to lessen the number of times they open their phones to read the incoming emails and notifications. Also, the more people get connected together (face-to-face includes together.) face to face in clubs, gyms, and malls …etc, the less they remember to check their phones and, hence, they stay away from work and focus on their current none non-work related aspects and activities. (How is this related to the SLOWER pace of life? Is this a new point? If yes, you need to present it as a separate point. Moreover, they need to abandon smartphones for at least a few hours and engage in personal interactions with friends and family. They should join gyms, clubs …..)

The sentences in BP 2 are much better developed than those in BP 1. However, there is ample scope to write better sentence structures. You’ve clearly structured BP 1 as the problem and BP 2 as the solution. 

To conclude, technology has unfortunately deteriorated many people’s decision of having a balanced life. A more restrict system of using A limited use of smartphones and more social programs greater social interactions can be adopted in order to segregate work life from other aspects.

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