Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Overweight People Putting Strain On Health Care.

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Obesity is increasing rapidly which is impacting the health care system. (1) Many people believe that this problem can be solved by increasing the focus on physical education in schools. I strongly agree with it because it will solve the problem from the root and create awareness. 

1. You’ve structured this sentence as – One independent clause connected with a dependent clause through a connecting device which. Let us restructure it to create a sentence without any connecting device. Remember, unnecessary use of connecting devices is penalized in the IELTS exam. The rapid increase of obesity is adversely impacting the healthcare system.

The major reason of people going obese these days is the ignorance. (Ignorance is the primary reason for the increasing incidence of obesity.) (What is the focus of a sentence? – 2) Thus. (An unnecessary device.) (What is the link between awareness and ignorance? Establish a clear link to increase bands in coherence. See point 2 below.) awareness can be increased by promoting physical education. A recent study on human behaviour reveals that youngsters who are aware of the consequences of food (3) they intake results into having have better choices of food as compared to those who have no knowledge. For instance, an article of Hindustan times states that after the WHO has declared cotton candies candy floss unfit for consumption, its sale has dropped marginally drastically due to children switching to other alternatives. (the word alternative includes other. LR issue.)

2. Here is an important concept to bear in mind while structuring a sentence. What is the sentence about? What is its focus? Add that focus at the beginning of the sentence. Make it the subject. What is more important – major reason or ignorance? Now, once you have used the subject at the beginning of the sentence, you can comfortably use a PRONOUN to refer back to it. Ignorance is the primary reason for the increasing incidence of obesity. It can be effectively tackled by spreading awareness about the benefits of health through physical education lessons.

3. Who are aware of the consequences of food they intake is a modifier. The sentence is “youngsters result into …..”. Now, youngsters can’t ‘result into’ something. But, you can write “youngsters have better health choices”

Another positive point to consider is that Moreover, (write concisely) it (Mention the subject again at the beginning of a paragraph. Do not assume that a pronoun will refer back to a noun in the previous sentence.) will work on a much younger population imparting physical education in school positively impacts young children. If the habits of a child is are (subject = habits) corrected right from his childhood, it will have a long-lasting effect. (4) He will grow older with a healthy lifestyle and spread the same knowledge to his future generation which keeps the healthy tradition flowing (unnecessary words. = spread the same knowledge.). This will directly impact the future of the country. India, for example, has improved its health index by educating their its young children. It took 15 years, and, as a result, India the country now stands at 4th position in global health quality index.

4. Though the sentence is fine, the word choice is poor: If healthy habits are infused during childhood, these will have a life-long effect. 

To conclude, I agree that conducting more physical education classes in schools will have life-changing impact on the people since it will cure the problem at an early age and increase the awareness.

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