Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Internet Transformed The Way Information Is Shared.

The internet has transformed the way information is shared and consumed, but it has also created problems that did not exist before. What are the most serious problems associated with the internet and what solutions can you suggest?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The unprecedented access to the (you’re talking about information in general. Not a specific form of information.) information through the internet has revolutionized our lives. This trend However, this has resulted in into various problems like security threats and sedentary lifestyle. There are, however, a number of measures that can be implemented to resolve these issues. (Note the use of However. It is used to express contrast. A solution is not a contrast of a problem. Disadvantages are a contrast of advantages.)

Instead of merely stating ‘a number of measures’, MENTION those measures. Without mentioning them, you are not adding any value to the introduction. That’s precisely why you need to plan body paragraphs before writing the introduction.

One of the major (significant) problems that the internet gives rise to is increased security issues of the information. (There are better ways to write a sentence to improve your band score: The proliferation of the internet has resulted in a breach of personal information on a massive scale.) Internet networks are (Internet is itself a network. A global network.) It is susceptible to invasion as they it can be hijacked by the cybercriminals; consequently, it leads to the loss of confidential data. (A Better sentence structure: Cybercriminals often use it to invade personal computers and steal confidential and personal files.) Such computer oriented crime This can put nation’s security and financial health into danger. For instance, recently, a few Russian cyberspies stole Facebook data of US citizens and used it to influence the presidential race. Another problem which stems from Moreover, the excessive utilization of the internet is the emergence of results in a sedentary lifestyle among the masses. Because of internet facility, (No need to write this. Redundant words. Moreover, avoid repeating internet.) people prefer to perform all their activities by just sitting in front of computer screens and hardly do any physical activity. Similarly, children are more inclined towards online games instead of playing outdoor games and, ultimately, they become obese. (Do not write an incomplete sentence.)

Note that I’ve struck off the wordier options – Internet networks; such computer oriented crime; Another problem which stems from. Learn to write concisely. This increases the lexical resource score.

There are a number of ways to deal with these problems. Firstly, the information technology companies must improve their security systems. If they have strong (robust) coding systems for data protection, there will be less fewer (1) chances of information theft stealing. Secondly, governments should educate people about the consequences of an inactive lifestyle. For this purpose, health campaigns and seminars should be conducted to create awareness among the general public. If people were able to (keep simple present tense and avoid unnecessary words) understand the importance of being healthy, then the unnecessary use of the internet would will be significantly reduced. Finally, parents need to allocate a limited time to their wards to access online games (Restructure: Finally, parents need to restrict their children’s access to online games.); they ought to encourage children to participate in sports. As parents have great (immense/ significant) influence on their children, implementing this solution would be relatively easy.

1. Less is uncountable. Use it with uncountable nouns. Less sugar; less rain. Fewer is countable. Use it with countable nouns. Fewer chances, fewer people.

In conclusion, inactive life and cyber crimes are the main issues created by this boon. Only when government, parents and corporate companies come forward to take an initiative, will this situation be remedied.

Donate Used IELTS Books

Follow this blog and like our Facebook page to learn exciting new essays and cue cards. You can contact me HERE.

Please subscribe to my Youtube Channel.

Contact me for writing polished and effective Statement of Purpose.

Contact me for Editing Services and Document Writing Services.

  

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.