Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Population of Some Countries Includes Large Number of Young Adults – 1.

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The age distribution has become imbalanced in many countries. In some places, young adults comprise the highest a higher percentage of the population as compared to older people. (The question is in context of older population. Maintain it.) I believe the benefits of this trend outweigh the drawbacks, as younger people are vigorous and creative.

The economy (Which economy? 1) will grow if countries have more young adults. They are energetic, dynamic, and can considerably contribute to the production of goods and services and job sector considerably. (Place the adverb – considerably – next to the verb.) They are the only earning members in the society while children and elderly are dependent on them. If the young working-age population is lower than other groups (2), the economic progress will be slower since companies and factories cannot operate effectively without an energetic workforce. It means that companies and factories cannot operate without labor. (The elderly labor is still there. But, its not energetic.) They need young healthy adults to work and produce products. (You’ve already communicated this above – production.)

Another advantage of having more young adults is that they always come up with new ideas and make significant breakthroughs in various fields. They tend to be more creative and adaptable, which would benefit the countries’ development. (Ideally, this sentence should explain the former sentence. You need to explain HOW youngsters give new ideas and make significant breakthroughs. You’ve not done that. Let us do this through an example. For example, the United States of America, China and India have a much younger population than that of Europe. This is primarily the reasons for a greater number of start-ups and more number of patents in these countries.)

1. The requires a reference to a specific economy. The subject is plural (countries). So, there is no clear reference. Moreover, it is better to use the construction: If X, Y. If a country has more number of young adults, it will grow faster than others.

2. Do not compare Apples and Oranges. You’re comparing population with groups…. the population of young people is lower than THAT OF other groups.

In contrast, too many elderly may cause some economic burden to on a society. If there are more is a greater percentage (avoid repeating moreelderly old people in a country, the government will have to spend more money on their treatment and welfare. As a result, t This will put extra stress on the government budget, and limit the expenditure on other important (essential/ vital) sectors such as infrastructure and education. However, (3) On the other hand, having a greater number of young people bring advantages to countries, as the governments do not have to spend much money taking care of them and could earn more revenue due to a higher number of taxpayers.

3. Understand the correct use of cohesive device however. It is used to express contrast within the same idea. The opposite of “disadvantages of more number elderly people” is NOT “advantages of more number of young people.” Its contrast is “advantages of more number of elderly people.” If you want to express the contrast between two ideas, prefer “on the other hand”.

In conclusion, as (4) youth are the major supplier contributor (LR issue) in both the economy and the tax revenue of the governments, which are the most important for countries’ development. Thus, I once again reaffirm that the advantages of the high proportion of young adults outweigh the disadvantages. No need to write this. Redundant.

4. The correct construction for a cause-effect sentence is “Since X, Y” “As X, Y”. There is no EFFECT in your sentence. You’ve written an adjective clause explaining the QUALITY of youth’s contribution in economy and tax revenue. This sentence construction is incorrect. So, I’ve removed AS (SINCE).

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