Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Children Play Computer Games Rather Than Sports – 1.

Nowadays children mostly spend time playing computer games rather than sports. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Every rose has some thrones and this saying becomes true with flourish lifestyle. (Do not use any saying. Please write in your original language.) Our living has been transformed by digital technologies, which include laptops and smartphone, (need a comma here) extensively (1). Children quickly get lured towards such gadgets and become susceptible by (you get susceptible to something. Not BY. – 2) easily available video games in these devices. This is certainly a big significant drawback unless not managed appropriately.

1. You can restructure this sentence. Use active voice and make proper use of a modifier by separating it from the main sentence using TWO commas. Also, note that I’ve placed the adverb before the verb. You’ve not done that (extensively)Digital technologies, which include laptops and smartphones, have significantly transformed our life.

2. Note that the word susceptible is used in a negative connotation in the context of HARM. You can be susceptible to injuries, violence, etc. But not to video games. Video games can make you susceptible to weak eyesight.

Young children are candid (3) and they learn whatever they observe. Parents and other family members, whose work mostly depends on computers, introduce fancy things such as funny video games in the digital devices to children first. Later, when children insist to use phones or laptops, they allow them (4) to atone (5) their tantrum. Now, this behaviour provides the access (behaviour can’t provide access. People can. Poorly structured sentence.) to these machines and young people get addicted to play more and more. Parents being less stringent (= severe. Used in the context of LAW. Inappropriate use.) and (who is keeping?) keeping computers within the reach of the children lead them to play computer games relatively more than any other physical sport. (poorly structured sentence. Note that ACTIVE voice allows a clear and understandable sentence structure. Since parents are lenient and allow children to play computer games frequently, they are less likely to play physical sports.)

3. You’ve used the word candid. I have failed to understand its logic in this context. There is no context of ‘honesty and telling truth’.

4. Pronoun mistake. One pronoun (pronoun family) must refer to one noun (subject) only. They and them can either refer to parents or children. Otherwise, it creates a confusion: who allows whom?

5. The use of word atone is incorrect. It refers to ‘doing something that shows you’re sorry for committing something in the past’. Note that you’ve made several mistake in pursuit of using flowery language. This will reduce the LEXICAL RESOURCE score. You’re supposed to explain the most appropriate words.

The ideas are not logically and specifically developed. You need to work on coherence.

Although, technology, especially computers, help children to develop their cognitive thinking, (6) it often creates pitfalls. Children have been seen becoming become (Simple Present Tense – SPT) lazy, obese, and less obedient when they spend (SPT) more time on computers playing games unrestrictedly. A pros An advantage can easily turn into cons a disadvantage if it is not monitored properly and on time.

6. “Although X, Y” construction – X and Y must have a subject or a pronoun (that refers back to the subject).

To conclude, parents should lead by example to encourage children to play outdoor games rather than sticking to the laptop screen. They must allow children to use a laptop or computer with a reasonable time limit. A good house protocol will support children to be more intellectual intelligent with good physical well-being.

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