Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Children Committing Crimes – 1.

Children and teenagers are committing more and more crimes in many countries. Why is this happening? How can we stop or at least reduce youth crime? 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Please read the model answer to this essay topic HERE.

Answer:

Young children and j Juveniles (the word juvenile includes young adults) are indulging themselves into in crimes in many parts of the world. What could be the reason behind this trend? Do not raise a question. Write an answer to the question above. How this problem can be resolved or decrease crime rate? In this essay, I will put focus on reasons for this happening and what measures can be taken to cease this problem. Let’s examine. 

The struck off sentences above do not convey any valuable information. Please read my article on INTRODUCTION and watch the video in it. An introduction is meant to present a PLAN that you elaborate (explain) in the body paragraphs.

Youth crime is a serious matter of debate now these days. (This sentence is suitable for an introduction. Not for the body paragraph.) There are numerous reasons for the increasing incidence of crime by young children and teenagers. In this global economy, both parents are working day and night to earn wages in order to live (avoid word repetition – live, living.) maintain a good decent standard of living and, most importantly, (1) to give provide (impart) a better education to their ward. (Note that I’ve suggested different words to improve the LR score.) W which is quite crucial in this era. Consequently, their children are left behind alone at home or at child care centers where they do not get sufficient parental guidance and not even they fail to develop intellectual skills and moral values.

In addition to this, another factor (= in addition to this) behind this negative development is media and the internet play a negative role in this trend. They play an integral role in increasing youth crime. There are various unauthorised websites and videos games that are being surfed and played by young children which results into more and more crime. (2) Take For an instance, pornographic videos are available freely online on the internet (note, as explained in point 2, WHICH should be placed next to videos and not internet. – 3.) which children watch without any hesitation. Another clear evidence to support this argument is blue whale game which resulted into in an increase in the crime rate by young children. Majority of teenagers had attempted suicide to clear the final task of this game. 

1. Observe that most importantly is not a part of your sentence. It is merely giving additional information. These words are called INTERRUPTORS. They are placed within commas.

2. You can develop a better sentence by writing in ACTIVE voice and using better words. Also, place WHICH next to the noun(s) it modifies. Here, you’ve placed it next to children. Do children result in crimes? No. Now, read this sentence: Young children surf various unauthorized websites and play violent video games which lead to a greater incidence of crime(A and B which C.)

3. For instance, children watch pornographic videos which are freely available on the internet thesedays.

In order to solve this problem, some measures need to be implemented judiciously. Support from parents is an obligatory in order get rid out from of this trend. Caretakers They (4) should keep a constant eye on child’s activities on daily basis. Moreover, parents they (pronoun for referencing) can also involve them children in social activities (Observe that WHICH must be placed next to CHILDREN and not social activities.) which can turn into a well healthy and responsible (better word choice) human being. The government should also offer them support in this matter. Banning of such unauthorized websites and games can also help in reducing crime among youth. 

4. Do not use another NOUN as a synonym of the previous noun. Prefer PRONOUNS. They improve cohesion in the answer (through referencing) and prevent any use of incorrect synonym (which may reduce the LR score).

To conclude, crimes committing by young children is are increasing due to media influence and lack of parents parental love and care against their children. In order to reach to an end of this problem, parents and government have to take few measures to make bring youth under control. 

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