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IELTS Essay Correction: Technology Always Improves Lives Of Workers.

Some people think that new technology always improves the lives of workers. Other people believe that it results in disadvantages for workers. Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

The Machines play an important role in the contemporary work. While others (OTHERS can’t come into the picture unless there are SOME.) believe it may affect to an individual‘s life. It is believed that the technology definitely have has benefits and drawbacks.

The computers, cell phones, and the internet have (missing auxiliary verb) become a vital part in of (incorrect preposition) everybody’s life. To begin with, (You’ve already begun with the introduction. Wrong connecting device that will reduce the CC score.) computer technology have a lot of advantages. (This sentence conveys the same idea as the previous sentence.) For Instance, one can save more the both time and efforts with the help of a computer without hardworking. To illustrate this, (no need of this connecting device) by using a laptop, the money can be transferred to anyone within minutes. However, the convention methods having difficulties, in otherwords it would Conventional methods, on the other hand, take a lot of time, since (because) a person should wait for a bank employee approval and some other official numerous approvals. W which obviously consume much more time than the internet banking.

You need to work on sentence structuring. Learn how to write a better sentence.

Next, not only the Laptops can save time through the internet, but also anyone in the world would learn anything by using the same platform. (1) For example, any student/person could can study by using sources like blogs, Youtube and other online materials. Moreover, the cellphones could be used for better smoother (I’m sure that cell phones ARE used for communication, not COULD BE.) communication in the all over the world very easily. This was really challenging task in earlier days. Take an example of myself, I speak to many forigners for office work, which helped to reduce the cost of the company travelling grants. (Poor example. I can’t see the role of a mobile phone in this example. For example, I work as a salesperson in a multinational company and use my company’s cellphone to communicate with my team members, clients, vendors, and bosses. This helps me conduct business smoothly.)

1. Same platform = laptop and the internet. Now, let us restructure this sentence by keeping laptop and the internet out side “not only but also”. Moreover, laptop and the internet not only save time but also assist people to learn anything. Note parallelism in “not only X but also Y” construction. The first word of X (save) and that of Y (assist) are verbs.

On the contrary,  the technology have has plenty of disadvantages too such as the a person can become dependent on it and soon become lazy.  Everyday, people are playing computer games and purchasing food via online portals. by this many people are not focussing on their health. Consequently, they lose their focus on health. Moreover, most of the Information Technology (IT) employees are now limited to the desktop job only which finally effects affects their relations and the personal habits. (How? You’ve raised an issue but left it unexplained.) Furthermore, with technological advancements, a lot of robots were replaced in have taken the place of humans in many organizations. S since the robot is they are (use a pronoun to refer back to a noun. This prevents repetition of nouns and improves cohesion.) much more efficient than human in production house of the company and it works continuously. Although robotics have a significant role in the future, many people could not afford jobs and employment by replacing robots in the companies. This sentence does not make any sense. What exactly do you wish to communicate?

There are numerous sentence structuring issues in your essay. This severely impacts the GR score.

To sum it up, modern technology have has many pros and cons. While with the advent of technology one may save the time and efforts, certainly it has lots of problems including the person becomes lethargic and dependent on technology.

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