Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Young People Encouraged To Leave Home When They Become Adults.

Some people say that young people should be encouraged to leave home when they become adults. Others say it is better if they stay with the family for as long as possible. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:

Although it is sometimes thought by a few people While some people think (1) that as and when children turn to adults they ought to stay away from their family progenitors, (2) others believe the opposite that they should stay with their kith and kin and their parents. In my opinion, I consider (= in my opinion) that adolescents they (adolescents is not the same as adults. LR score falls.) should stay apart away from their parents owing to identify their real (there’s nothing called unreal potential) potential and to cast their future in a better way even though some argue that adults get emotional and financial support from their parent and, hence, they must stay with parents.

1. Note that the active voice is less wordy than the passive voice. Write concisely

2. This is a common mistake that many IELTS aspirants make. They use SYNONYMS for NOUNS of the question statement. This negatively impacts the LR score since mostly these synonyms are incorrect. For instance, progenitor is someone who thinks and causes something. The progenitor of the metro train is Mr. Shreedharan. That is, Mr. Shreedharan thought of the metro train and then built it. DISCUSS WITH ME.

On the one hand, it is often argued that as (wrong use of AS. AS = since/ because.) youngsters should not stay with their parent in order to test their capabilities and to become more responsible for their future and I agree with them. In other words, (3) whenever a stripling (LR score falls) steps out of the four walls of his house, he often faces a lot many of challenges in the external environment which enable him to affirm about realize his potential (potential is about the things you can do.) for the things which he can do or not. All this not only helps him to test his calibre but also supports him to define a clear path for his future. The In occidental culture, for instance, is a great example in which (a great example = for instance. Repetition. Redundant words.) parents are not obligated to keep economically accommodate their offsprings once they turn 14 years of age. As a result, it has been proved (PROOF is not a result of the previous sentence.) that As a result, the adults of European countries in their early ages of adulthood are more mature and clear about their future than those of Asian countries. the Asian ones.

3. The first sentence of a paragraph is a general statement that contains IDEA. The second sentence is an explanation of that idea. There is no need of a CONNECTING device between the two sentences. In fact, formal English language writing should never involve such devices.

On the other hand, some people debunk the aforesaid reasoning and contend that young adults must stay in their parental house because they receive financial and emotional support from their procreators. To elaborate, (Unnecessary use of cohesive devices will impact the CC score.) it has been commonly observed that elderly parents often manage the financial burden of the whole family through the regular incomes in form of monthly pensions. Along with this, they not only help on the monetary front but also help in nurturing the children of their Children. (You’re stretching too far. The question is about young adults.) For example, the renown family of Birla group of industries who lives in the Kota district of Rajasthan comprises of twenty-five family members who live in a big house and as per the head of family the male members of the family manage the business jointly and children of the other hand get loves and care of their grandparents. (The example is poor on task response. The question is about those who have just entered adulthood. Why should they stay at home? For example, even though I entered adulthood a year ago, I live with my parents since they provide financial support. This allows me to stay free of all economic burdens and to focus on my college education. )

The essay suffers from weak lexical resources since the student attempted to write synonyms that fail to communicate the ideas.

To recapitulate, even though staying with the family helps in building the financial and emotional strength for the adults, I believe that the benefits which adults get while staying away from his parents preponderate (4) over the compassion and financial assistance which he may get while staying with his siblings and parents.

4. Avoid using the words that you do not understand. Preponderate is an adjective. It must be used with a noun. “My dad’s teachings had a preponderate role in shaping my career.”

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