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IELTS Essay Correction: Skin Whitening Products.

In this modern world, there are a number of skin whitening products available in the market. State the reasons why people are using these products. Discuss the possible negative outcomes of using these products.

Answer:

External appearance and good glowing, white skin has have (two subjects) always been a point of attraction (use an article with construction “X of Y”) in for people all over the world. Nowadays, looking fair is not only issue for females but also for males. (1) This essay will highlight the causes why skin whitening products are used and its long term consequences. (Of course, THIS ESSAY will. That’s obvious. Instead of stating the obvious, it is better to MENTION the CAUSES. This will lay a plan for the body paragraphs.)

1. Parallelism issue: The first words of X and Y should belong to the same family (not only X but also Y). While “FOR” is a preposition, “MALES” is a noun.

Firstly, skin lightening products are used by many, (wrong comma) as everyone wants to look fairer then what than they are and (2) this has been a basic behavior of humans since centuries. People have concept of a belief that lighter skin tones are better and that it speaks a lot of there about their personality. Secondly, cosmetic’s market cosmetic product manufacturers are propagating on media and social network platforms that these creams will help transform them. Models shown in advertisements are shown initially black dark in color and they turn white on using there fairness products and tThus, these promotions produce large impact on viewers minds where they feel influence the viewers to believe that white is better. For example, in my country fairer girls are preferred over others for marriage proposals.  (I can’t see the role of media in this example. Build an example with a proper context. For example, recently marriage.com, a famous marriage portal in India, hired actors with a fair complexion to sell its services. The company wanted to benefit from the Indians bias for white skin.)

2. You have connected two independent clauses using AND. Since the two have different purposes and none is dependent on the other for existance, they are independent. An independent clause MUST have an independent subject. Let us write THIS in the second independent clause.

There are numerous lexical resource issues in the paragraph above. You have not used the most appropriate words to express ideas.

On the other hand, usage of these products may lead to potential problems to for users. Ingredients used in preparation may be harmful in for some people (‘in some’ what?) and lead to skin allergies. Chemicals and acids are used which causes cause bleaching of skin and, in later life, (‘later in life‘ is an interruptor. It is not a part of the main sentence but merely gives a sign.) may lead to early skin wrinkling and aging. Nevertheless to say, a large amount of money is spent by teenagers and even middle-aged people to apply these products to look better. As a consequence Consequently, youngsters keep on changing items (which items? Vague and unclear. LR score falls.) and spent on them until they get desirable results. To exemplify, females in Korea pay spend good amount of money on (You can’t PAY ON. You can SPEND ON. You can PAY TO.) these skin whitening treatments everyday to look white and younger than what they are. (This is not a strong example. You’ve just used the name KOREA to write a general statement. Let us re-write it with facts. For example, research in Korea has found that the people who use cosmetic products on a regular basis suffer from numerous skin ailments and wrinkles by the age of 35. Others encounter these problems at 50 years of age.)

You need to work on writing better examples.

To conclude, in today’s world skin tone is a global issue and everyone is struggling to get white skin. Looking fair may improve your appearance but it carries with it the ill effects of harmful chemicals. Proper and correct usage of these products will help, but excessive use is detrimental.

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