Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Science Will Increase Longevity – 1.

Science will soon make people live up to 100 or even 200 years. Some believe this is a good thing while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Answer:

Everyone wants to live healthy for hundred or more years which will not be a mere dream (WANT will not be a DREAM? Sounds strange.) (WILL = future. It is better to give a more precise time frame. When in future? Near or far?) due to tremendous growth in science. (Living for more than a hundred years will be practically feasible in the near future due to tremendous growth in science and technology.) Some people do not see the benefits in such medical advancements (It is not about medical advancements. It is about living longer.) because increased life expectancy will eventually reduce the number of employments (1) while the population will be growing grow constantly. However, I believe that improvised (wrong word. How can science be improvised/ invented?) science and other related technologies will make our life better by controlling the epidemics and morbidity rates. (2)

1. Employment is uncountable in nature, while number is countable. These two do not match.

2. Let us reduce the number of words in the introduction by combining sentences 2 and 3. While some people think that IT (refers back to living longer in the previous sentence) will adversely impact employment, I believe that IT will help control epidemics.

During the past century decade, (need a comma here – 3) millions of children lost their life lives (millions of children = plural) due to poor medical care and increased rate of various types of infections among infants. However, recently in my view, (4) medical science has been improving significantly and a recent survey has shown some an exponential improvement growth (you can’t GROW health) in people’s health. Now, (Unnecessary connecting device.) the doctors are able to perform complex surgeries such as organ transplant and it is these are (the pronoun should refer back to complex surgeriessaving life lives (people = plural) of soldiers and accident victims (learn to write concisely) the people such as soldiers and people who get injured in accidents. Also, many drugs, which can cure epidemics and other life-threatening diseases such as cancer, are available now. Whereas (WHEREAS is used to compare two ideas. Here, the two things are NOT comparable) Not only long living healthy people will be able to work for more years and they will pay taxes, but also the government will be spending less on medical facilities.

3. You must put a comma after an introductory word/ clause. These include unfortunately, however.

4. Observe that HOWEVER shows contrast with the previous sentence. If you write “in my opinion”, it shows that the previous sentence is NOT your opinion. Let us develop a contrast in terms of TIME. Century VS recently.

The above paragraph is weak on task achievement. You’ve developed it on increasing life span of people in recent years. It is not on on “Whether this is a good development or not”.

On the flip side, some people think that living for more years will reduce the employment opportunities for young people. Many professions provide the option for healthy persons to extend their retirement age and post-retirement healthy people can also work as a freelancer, which will eventually take jobs away from young professionals. A visible sign of this trend can be seen in Japan where the retirement age is 65 since people live a healthy life till 90. This has tremendously reduced the employment opportunities for the young and educated Japanese.

The argument in BP 2 is not complete. Either explain the UNEMPLOYMENT point with an example or explain another point in about two to three sentences.

To conclude, while advance advancements in science will control the lethal diseases and will provide a better world to live, some people see the a huge impact on jobs and income of young generations. Nonetheless, I support healthy living rather earning good compensation but paying hefty medical invoices(a poorly developed sentence. The use of RATHER is incorrect. The correct construction is “X rather than Y”. Also, the body paragraphs have no mention of good earning and medical invoices. This confuses the reader. What exactly do you want to communicate?) 

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