Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Children Spend Time On Computer Games.

Nowadays children mostly spend time playing computer games rather than sports. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or a negative development?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Earlier children used to spend their free time playing outdoor games and doing (1) physical activities instead of (2) spending time on computer games. This situation is highly (3) inversed these days. Now, they spend their enormous time in playing online games rather than going to the playground with their peer groups. Computerized games and globalization are the primary reasons for this trend. This evolution definitely has detrimental effects on a child’s development. 

1. Parallelism – “X and Y” – the first words of X and that of Y should belong to the same family. Let us make both verbs.

2. Wrong comparison. You can’t compare apples and oranges – ‘playing’ and ‘doing’ (activities) can’t be compared with ‘computer games’ (noun). Compare activity with activity, or noun with noun. Let us use ‘spending’ – an activity.

3. INVERSE is the opposite of something. There is nothing called HIGHLY OPPOSITE (INVERSE).

One of the primary reasons for this development is attractive computerized games available online and, due to this factor, (need two commas here. This is an interruptor.) they children (4) develop an interest in it. In At the age of five or six, children start picking mobile phones to play games online. E even though they do not require any such (5) training and skill to operate it. Excessive usage of playing games online results into health issues such as obesity, loss of vision. Studies have shown that a majority of young children do not know much about outdoor games and have no interest to play. For them, it is easy to play games by sitting or lying in a comfort zone at home itself instead of going outside. (I’m confused and so will be the examiner. You started the paragraph with reasons why children play computer games and switched to the consequences. The struck off sentences serve neither purpose. A reader expects you to explain the health issues.)

4. It is a recommended practice not to use a pronoun for a subject from the previous paragraph. Write the subject at the beginning of a paragraph and then use a pronoun for it.

5. SUCH does not refer back to any training. Wrong referencing device impacts the cohesion score.

Another factor that results in this development is globalization. Parents play an important role in encouraging children to play outdoor games. Earlier, parents either used to play with children or encouraged them (THEM does not refer to any noun unless you mention children.) to play with their friends in order to maintain fitness and metabolism. Now, both parents work hard to increase their bank balance with the objective to of supporting their child’s career and to provide providing a good education. (Objective + of + ing) Consequently, they lack to give do not have sufficient time and love to them to spend with their children which results in getting into depression and, to overcome this, they start playing games online. (Major pronoun issue: Note that you began using they/ them for children at the beginning of this paragraph. Then, you used the pronouns for parents and, finally, you used them for children. This is wrong.)

A majot task achievement issue. Your essay’s structure leaves no scope for “positive or negative development”. You will lose TA bands.

To sum up, indoor and outdoor games have their pros and cons. Extensive time devoted towards graphical games rather than sports having has harmful effects on a child’s development. In order to vanish or decrease this trend, parents need to educate (educate whom?) the children on the benefits of playing outdoor games. 

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