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IELTS Essay Correction: Cold Weather Vs Warm Weather.

Some people prefer cold weather conditions, while others don’t. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Every climate is important (essential/ vital) for the human body. (1) There are some people who wait for the winter season (1) to come as they like it most. On the opposite side, some people are not in favor of cold weather. (2) There are several reasons for this preference. (It is better to MENTION these reasons as I have done in point 2 below) In my perspective, every climate has a paramount role along with their its (3) merits and demerits. 

1. Among all bodies in the universe, you are talking about the HUMAN body. So, this is very specific and demands article THE. Similarly, among all seasons, you are talking about winters. 

2. You should connect the two sentences. This will improve the cohesion score while preventing any loss of lexical resource score. Writing more than necessary prevents above 7 in LR. Let us use the connector WHILE to express a contrast in the same sentence. Note that I have used IT to refer to the winter season. This builds cohesion. While some people prefer the winter season since it provides an opportunity for winter sports, others dislike it as it reduces physical movement.

3. EACH/ EVERY is singular. Do not use a plural pronoun to refer to it.

On the one hand, people who live in dry countries such as Dubai, Afghanistan etc. They (this is NOT a new sentence – 4) hardly get any chance to enjoy the (1) cold climate. Many people from such types of these countries go to visit chilly regions to see enjoy (relish) snow and to enjoy the winter season. (There is a scope to use better words and improve LR score.) Winter This (use referencing device to prevent word repetition and increase cohesion score.) season seems to prove beneficial for the (1) tourism industry as they it generates (5) hefty revenue from these visitors. For example, one of my friends lives in Rajasthan and every year she go visits to hill stations to explore the natural beauty and spend enormous money on traveling. (Is this during winters? The example is not strong as it lacks connect with the paragraph’s theme.) (6)

4. Whenever you use WHO as an adjective pronoun (that is, use WHO to give a QUALITY of a noun), the WHO part of the sentence is dependent on the main sentence. It does not have an existence of its own. So, your MAIN sentence is “On the one hand, people.” This is incomplete. The main sentence should be “On the one hand, people hardly get any chance to enjoy the cold climate.”

5. Do not use a plural pronoun (it) to refer to a singular noun (tourism industry).

6. For example, every year more than a million people from South India, which experiences the summer season only, spend numerous days in the snow-clad mountains of Himalayas. They play winter sports such as skiingThe green part is a modifier and I have placed it between two commas.

On the other hand, there are numerous reasons for why people do not like cold weather conditions. In the winter season, many people suffer from health problems such as cold, cough and fever and (Oh no! – 7) put them on medications. Moreover, in minus degree temperature, people cannot go for outdoor activities such as running, cycling etc. Hence, it leads to live a sedentary lifestyle. A recent survey was conducted in an organization, (8) majority of staff chose (why? For what?) summer and autumn season instead of cold weather. According to them, they cannot wear fashionable clothes in winter and are forced to wear jackets and sweaters. 

7. Wrong sentence structure. Your sentence means: In the winter season, many people suffer from ….. and many people put them ….. I’m sure you can see the mistake. Let us restructure it: In the winter season, many people suffer from ….. and THIS puts them …..

8. A poorly developed example. A recent survey conducted by Google revealed that more than 90 percent of employees in Fortune 500 companies are more economically productive during the summer season than during the winter season. This is primarily attributed to reduced physical movement and heavy clothes during winters.

In conclusion, every human being has their her (every = singular. – 3.) own choice and preference on climate conditions. I believe, the winter season has a plethora of disadvantages and due to this people fail to enjoy various outside activities. (Your opinion in the introduction is different from the one in conclusion. This will impact the TR score.) I believe that we need all seasons to enjoy the true taste of nature. While winters help us enjoy the snow, summers are exciting from a business perspective.

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2 replies »

  1. Faisal, thanks for sharing.

    Well, there is a disagreement between authors and examiners whether THEIR can be used to refer to EVERYONE. THEIR is used in some cases only because it is GENDER NEUTRAL. However, there are numerous examiners who disagree with this usage. Since we are preparing for an exam and we are not aware of the examiner’s preference, it is better to play safe.

    Like

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