Leaders and directors in an organization are normally older people. Some people think that younger leaders would be better. Do you agree or disagree?
40 minutes, 250 words at least.
Choosing a suitable leader is
a (1) of paramount importance regarding for (importance can’t be regarding something. It is FOR something) the progression of a company. In most of the companies leaders and directors are aged people. However, I agree with the people those (let us avoid repeating people) who think that younger people can perform this duty (which duty? – 2.) better than older people since they can work under pressure and they are more innovative.
1. “A” is an article which is used with a countable noun. Importance is uncountable. This is an article mistake. This is similar to ‘a water’, ‘a sugar’. These are incorrect.
2. In the previous sentence, you’ve mentioned leaders and directors. These are NOT duties. These are positions. This duty does not refer to anything. A cohesion and lexical resource mistake. Alternate sentence: However, I agree with those who think that younger people are better leaders than older people since …..
Though there are a few mistakes in the introduction, it is well structured. You’ve written a general statement, stated your view and MENTIONED the reasons for your views. I like a few collocations you’ve used – suitable leader, paramount importance.
Undoubtedly, older employees have more experience and knowledge about the policies of
the a company than the younger employees. (Can you guess why ‘a’ is more suitable with company and ‘the’ with younger?) So they can guide better in the tough circumstances. However, (Oops! – 3) On the other hand, younger people are healthy and they can work under pressure. They can devote extra time in work by giving less time to their sleep. In contrast, older leaders need proper rest and sleep to work on the next day. For example, Mark Zuckerberg, age 33, the founder and chief executive officer of Facebook company, works for 15 hours a day and attends many meetings in a day. Such hectic schedule is not possible for a CEO who is above 45 years. (let us complete the argument by comparing both sides) Thus younger leaders have the ability to work more hours than older leaders.
3. “HOWEVER” is used to express contrast. Please use it carefully. Otherwise, you will lose bands for cohesion and lexical resource (the examiner will assume that you do not understand this word’s use). This is, thus, a vocabulary mistake as well. Is ‘healthy younger people’ in contrast with ‘experienced older employees’?
The example is well built. However, you need to compare both views in the example as well.
Moving further, younger people are more innovative than aged people. In this world of competition, only those businesses
will (4) get more revenue, which are not only giving manufacturing (offering/ providing) good quality products but also advertising their products developing attractive advertisements. (avoid word repetition – products) A young leader can give develop (offer/ provide) innovative ideas of online advertisement online on the websites (websites are online. No need to write both.) since he is more familiar with them than an aged leader. For example, Sunder Pichai, the chief executive officer of Google company, has (5) joined this company in 2004, when he was 30 years old and, (need a comma here. Can you guess why?) due to his innovative technical ideas, the (6) company got earned more profit than earlier in previous/ preceding years. As a result, he took the charge of the current position (7) in 2015. So, younger leaders are more innovative than the older people.
4. Need to maintain the same tense as in the rest of the sentence. Let us use Present tense.
5. He joined the company in the past. Do not use the present perfect tense. This tense is used when something started in the past and continues in the present.
6. Need article THE before company since it refers to Google, a proper noun.
7. Learn proper placement of articles. THE needs to be put before current position since it refers back to chief executive.
In Conclusion, though older directors and leaders have gained more work experience and knowledge about the company’s policies, youngsters can perform well
at their place (their place does not mean anything. Whose place? If their refers to older directors, then you’ve made a pronoun mistake – 8.) because of their healthy body and innovative ideas.
8. One pronoun (in a stem) must refer to one noun only. Their must refer to either older leaders or youngsters. In your sentence, while the former pronoun seems to refer to older leaders, the latter refers to youngsters. This is wrong.
Your paragraph structuring is good. You’ve developed a separate paragraph for each idea and explained the ideas thoroughly. The examples are specific. The flow of sentences is fine and this should fetch you good bands in cohesion and coherence (logic is good). However, there are numerous grammar mistakes and lexical resource is a bit lacking. I’ve suggested better words. Those are not tough words but the express ideas better.