Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Job Seekers Forced To Move Away From Family.

Nowadays many job seekers are finding jobs that force them to move far from their family and friends. Is it a positive or a negative trend? what can be done about it?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

In the competitive era, due to unemployment people are agreed agree (1) to leave their family and friends behind for a job in faraway places. In my opinion, I believe that (= In my opinion. Repetition.) it is negative development since numerous family problems arise (Rise is not the right word here.) and to cope with this government should take active measures come forward(There is ample scope to use better words to express your ideas more clearly.)

1. You have wrongly used PASSIVE VOICE. Since the subject is missing, it seems to indicate that SOMEONE (subject) makes people agree to leave their family. Similarly, in body paragraph 1, you’ve written are moved. Is somebody MOVING them? Or are they moving by themselves? Prefer active voice.

When workers are moved move (1) to (You can move TO a location, not TO a distance.) long distances for a job, which (2) make hard for themselves it is difficult to reach their family very often (frequently) (3) as . As a result, (need a comma – 5) family conflicts rise and many times lead to divorce and so on. (4) Even more, (need a comma – 5) they can not spend quality time with parents and kids. To take an example of a private (6) civil engineer from Punjab, who is working hails from Punjab and works in Bangalore, (note that I have removed is working and used hails, works – Simple Present Tense.) (7) can not visit his family even once a month and does not know what is going on at his house? (Need a period here. Wrong punctuation.) Consequently, (Introductory word – 5) moving to (you can move TO a place, not TO a distance.) far away distance for work arise results in (leads to) many problems.

2. Do not use WHEN and WHICH next to each other. Both indicate the presence of a modifier and, hence, the main sentence is missing.

3. It is important to understand the right place to end a sentence. This will improve your PUNCTUATION (grammar) score. Also, here you can choose better words. Instead of very often, you can use frequently. (not very frequently)

4. Note that you need to write specific things in the exam. “SO ON” does not convey anything. It means nothing. This is vague and such writing costs LR bands.

5. All introductory words (phrases) need a comma after them. This is necessary to separate them from the main sentence. These include: however, undoubtedly, as a result, even more.

6. A job can be private or government. A profession can never be. This is a LR problem.

7. The part starting with WHO is an adjective clause. That is, it conveys a quality (property) of the civil engineer. It is not part of the main sentence. Put it between two commas. Example: King George, who is seven feet tall, is a great warrior.

The reason, (wrong comma) why people move to another place is that they can not find numerous job vacancies according to their experience or field of study. Hence, (introductory word) governments should focus on providing jobs or employment opportunity in all over the nation. Many Numerous (Enough/ Attractive) subsidies for opening a new business in their own (whose own?) area (region) is the best approach to deal with this situation. For example, the government should allow an employee to choose a nearby place for work. These all solutions help to minimize the problem to a large extentThis eliminates the need to travel long distances for work and, hence, helps build a strong family. (Use better words to write specifically and express clearly.)

In conclusion, I think that lack of opportunity opportunities in for (8) the employee in nearby place is the main reason to left leave their house which is the root of the family issue and the government should work on it by providing jobs at all places.

8. There are numerous preposition mistakes in your answer. GR score will suffer due to these frequent mistakes.

The essay is weak in grammar due to the frequent article and preposition mistakes. Also, there is sufficient scope to write better by using precise words. This will improve the LR score. 

2 replies »

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.