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IELTS Essay Correction: Excessive Sugar Consumption Causes Health Problems.

Excessive consumption of sugar causes many health issues. Some people believe that the government should control the population’s sugar intake while others think people themselves should be responsible for their sugar eating habits. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Undoubtedly, the unrestrained use of sugar leads to various health problems. Many people say that the government should limit the utilization of sugar among the people since it has governments should limit its utilization since they have (1) more control over the goods sold in the market. Others believe that every individual is accountable for their his health because external resources others (external agencies) cannot control eating habits. I agree with the former view.

1. Let us use the pronoun its to refer to sugar and them to refer to governments. There is no need to write among the people.

The introduction is well structured. You have mentioned reasons supporting each view. Good job!

It is evident that (2) the government charges a certain amount of tax on all the products sold in the market. They It should increase the tax percentage on items containing sugar to discourage the public from buying them these items. (avoid repeating items) For instance, Malaysia has recently introduced “Sugar Tax,” which applies to all eatables the items (avoid repeating itemsthat have high sugar content. (Note that the question is about excessive sugar intake.) In this way, the government has controlled the sale of delicious products candies, chocolates, sweets, (write more specifically. “Delicious products” refer to products that are tasty. They may or may not contain sugar.) and people are compelled to buy healthier alternatives such as natural sweeteners less sweet items. (Improve your word choice.) Moreover, the government has the authority to impose control the amount of sugar to be used in products manufacturing. They It should only approve the items consumer goods (avoid repeating itemsthat do not exceed the sugar usage limit. For instance, the Japanese government does not approve the quality check of the a product if the sugar content is more than 5 gram in all the sweet items it(Note that it is A PRODUCT. You’re not talking about a specific product. Also, a government does not approve quality checks. It approves products. All the sweet items cannot refer to a product.)

2. This is unnecessary. Why should you use the word evident here?

On the other hand, some people are addicted to sugar, and they cannot control themselves while eating which is harmful to their health. (3) These people cannot blame anyone but themselves for their health issues. (4) For example, according to a recent survey, Japan has the highest number of people suffering from side effects of sugar diabetes and kidney ailments (be specific) even after their its government has imposed the sugar limit of on all items. Furthermore, some people are well aware of the detrimental effects of sugar which do not restrict them from eating the high amount of sugar, so they should be responsible for their health issues in the future. (You’re meant to write that people should be responsible for their sugar intake. Not that they are unable to control themselves. Think positively. Moreover, a study in India has proved that if people are reminded of the need to control sugar intake every morning, they tend to change their consumption pattern gradually. Thus, awareness plays a vital role in changing people’s behavior.)

3. Connector issues. You have connected three clauses using AND and WHICH. There is a better way to connect them using SINCE and AND. On the other hand, since some people are addicted to sugar, they cannot control themselves and this is harmful to their health.

4. There is no blame game in this essay. It is about who can control the intake of sugar. Here, you have to compare. You have to say that the government cannot control their behavior. The government is incapable of controlling every individual’s eating behavior and people must exercise restraint using the family’s support and medical help.

In conclusion, I believe that though a government cannot control people’s eating habits but limiting the sugar utilization in products and increasing the tax amount will significantly help in controlling the sugar intake among the public which will result in fewer health issues caused by sugar(no need to write this. You’ve already mentioned sugar intake.)

Note that your essay lacks variety of words. It will score low on LR. There are a few connecting issues and some grammar mistakes (pronouns). The essay is a bit vague at a few places. This may impact the TA score.

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