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IELTS Essay Correction: Holding Sports Competition Causes Many Troubles.

Some people say that holding sports competition causes many troubles. Others disagree. Discuss both views.

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Undoubtedly, (1) sports play a vital role in our lives. Some people think that troubles are caused (2) for holding the sports competition since it needs a huge amount of money and appropriate supporting infrastructure, (you should connect money and infrastructure. See point 2 below.) while others opine that such events are essential as these they strengthen the national bonds and give business to local people.

1. Introductory words (phrases) must be separated from the main sentence using a comma.

2. Passive voice often miscommunicates the message. CAUSED by whom? Missing subject. Prefer active voice: Some people think that holding a sports event causes troubles since involves a huge expenditure on infrastructure.

Though the introduction is well structured (you’ve written each view along with reasons), there is a scope to write better.

On the one hand, organizing a sporting event, such as the Olympic games, needs a plenty of money and proper infrastructure, (3) where such events are being held. This is because money is needed for proper arrangements for all the sports and living arrangements of all the participants and their supporting persons. For example, India spent a total of 71000 crore rupees in the commonwealth games held in Delhi in October 2010 in building new stadiums, upgrading old ones and constructing a luxurious games village. (mention the PURPOSE of expenditure.) These expenditures are burden on the government of the country and this money can be used for the development of other sectors, such as education and health care.

3. You’ve written this in the introduction. In body paragraphs, you’re supposed to be a bit more precise (specific). Let me explain: On the one hand, organizing a sports event such as Olympics involves significant investment in stadiums, residences for players and their teams, marketing, etc. Cities need to find space and construct sports complexes for all sports such as football, swimming, running, high jump. They also need to make seating arrangements and this also inculcates huge expenditure.

On the other hand, sports competitions play (use of the is incorrect) the vital a pivotal (avoid word repetition – vitalrole in bringing nations together. This is due to the fact that (4) Political leaders of different countries meet on these events and they share thoughts with each other. These This helps (THIS refers to MEETING) in eliminating the military conflicts between the countries nations (avoid word repetition – countriesand leads to the world peace. For instance, after the 2010 commonwealth games, this is (unnecessary cohesive device – thisnot only helped in reducing the tensions between the India and the Pakistan (do not use the before a proper noun) but also helped in increasing the trade between both countries. Furthermore, many tourists come to the host country, where these events are held (= host. Improve word choice.) and due to these competitions local people get this boosts (enhances) local employment and business. (5) To exemplify, 6.6 million foreign tourists visited Brazil in 2016 for watching Olympic games and this rose the income of the country from tourism to 6.2 percent as compared to 5.8 percent in 2015.

4. Sometimes you need this to connect sentences. This is not applicable always. When you switch from IDEA sentence to EXPLANATION, there is no need of a connecting device. It is obvious that the two sentences are connected. Moreover, in your second sentence these events act as a connector. Overuse of connecting devices (at places where these are unnecessary) will cost you bands.

5. Need not write these competitions. You should refer back to people coming to host country. Use THIS.

While the arguments are well developed in the above paragraph, there are numerous article, connector, vocabulary issues. This will reduce your score in GR, LR and CC.

In conclusion, many believe that a substantial amount of money is involved for in holding a sports competition. However, others support that such events not only bring countries together and eliminate the conflicts between them but also helps help (plural subject – events) in raising the economy of the country by providing business to local people. 

1 reply »

  1. A recent research asserted that growth and personality of a person is more influenced by innate characteristics instead of any daily life experiences. Although genetically inherited factors play a major role in development ,I consider daily life experience to have more tendency to impact a perosn’s growth

    Every person is born with some unique features.These help the person to grow in a different way from others and give him a unique identity. For example,Aditya narayan son of a renowned singer of india ,udit narayan, inherited his singing talent from his father , so it is in his genes . Therefore, the inborn characteristics influence a person’s personality

    Despite the argument above, it is agreed that one’s personality is more effected by the environment and circumstances in whch he is reared. A person learns a lot from the everyday experiences and happenings and ,thus, develops a new version of himself. For instance, if a child is short-tempered by nature and become angry easily his parents and family can change his behaviour with proper nurturing and making him realize of ill-effects of anger on others. In this way,a person’s personality could be influenced by various experiences they go through in life.

    To conclude,innate qualities do effect a persons growth however, i believe that the development is more effected by the daily life experiences.

    >

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