Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Job Seekers Living Away From Family – 2.

Nowadays job seekers are finding jobs that force them to move far away from their family and friends. Is it a positive or a negative trend? What can be done about it?

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

Due to increased competition and rare job opportunities, (1) everyone has to opt far away locations from their home town to work. While this gives them an opportunity (avoid repeating opportunitya chance to explore various other cities apart from their home town, (2) I believe this has a lot more disadvantages as compared to than benefits. (3)

1. You must separate MODIFIERS (Introductory phrases/ words) from the main sentence using a comma.

2. Since the context is built in the first sentence (… from their home town), there is no need to write home town in the second sentence. It is obvious that cities refer to cities other than home town. Also, this helps you avoid word repetition – home town.

3. Usually, in the English language, we prefer two constructions: More X than Y; X compared to Y. Do not mix the two.

Firstly, (This is an introductory word. Use a comma here. Please refer to point 1.) to be settled at settle in (4) a new city can be emotionally challenging for the aspirant a migrant (please use the most appropriate word.) and, hence, (1) the efficiency of the person is hindered and can alleviate the stress levels can increase. (5) Secondly, (see pint 1.) since it is not feasible every time for all the members of the a family to relocate, it puts on an additional burden on them her (The subject of this paragraph is a migrant/ aspirant. That’s singular. THEM can’t refer to all the members. Do not use a plural pronoun.) to manage the finances of two houses simultaneously. (HOW? The idea is not clear. – 6) Finally, (see point 1) it is an undeniable fact that to attain a work-life balance the family support at the backend is very essential. (WHY? The idea is not explained.)

4. to “be settled” is a passive voice. Since the subject is missing, it seems that SOMEONE is settling SOMEONE in a new city. It is better to write in active voice (to settle).

5. Remember the concept of parallelism. In constructions such as “X and Y”, the first words of X and Y must belong to the same family and have the same structure. In your sentence X = the efficiency of the person; Y = can alleviate the stress levels. THE and CAN are not parallel. Let us use THE for both. You can read more on Parallelism HERE. Also, ALLEVIATE = reduce. I’m sure you wanted to write INCREASE.

6. Explain an idea adequately to score higher bands in TA: Since relocation to far places leads to the disintegration of a joint family into nuclear families and individuals, it leads to an increase in overall expenditure. (IDEA statement) When six members of a family live under the same roof, they share the rent, electricity expenses. When they separate in search of economic opportunities, they bear these costs separately. (Explanation of idea statement.)

Note that if you leave an idea unexplained, you will lose bands in TA.

On the other hand, (see point 1) some people hold different views. They say that relocating away from one’s family is a golden chance to be more independent. (How? Explain it.) Also, (see point 1) a person becomes more flexible as he gets a chance to explore a new place of living with an entirely diverse different culture (with an alien culture). (DIVERSE is incorrect here. LR issue.) In addition to this moving to the economic centres of cities and towns for job purpose helps you to have more job options. (The idea is not explained.)

All in all, (see point 1) I think it is still better to have job opportunities in your home town as one has a sense of belonging with his place of living. It makes the person more dedicated towards the job as he can look after his family as well as get the support from them when required.  

 

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