Answer Checking

IELTS Essay Correction: Managers Responsible For Organization’s Success.

Some people believe that managers are responsible for the organization’s success, while others think various features of the organization play a vital role in it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. 

40 minutes, 250 words at least.

Answer:

An organisation’s success depends on various factors. A large number of people believe that different features of a company drive its success of an organisation. In my view, managers are the quintessential resources who make sure that the firm will achieves its targets. (wrong word choice – quintessential refers to a typical example of something. You should use indispensable. In my view, managers are indispensable for the success of an organization.)

I support the view that the managers are the catalyst in any firm (1) who since they not only drive the teams but also make sure that all the team members are on the right path. The supervisors They (2) are responsible for all compliances in the organisation and they ensure that their subordinates also follow the relevant guidelines, such as organisation’s policy, approval processes, or travel related claims. (3) For example, any approval process in an organization goes through various steps which are monitored by the managers, t . Therefore, they become the vanguard in the company to ensure that the employees are not violating the approval processes. That is how the managers make sure that the company achieve its best performance. (4)

1. Wrong use of WHO. WHO must be placed next to the word it refers to. That is, it should be placed with managers. Since this is not possible in this sentence, it is better to use SINCE and use THEY to refer back to MANAGERS.

2. Instead of using a different word to refer to managers, use a pronoun. This will increase cohesion in your essay.

3. I guess the second sentence does not explain the idea statement (in the first sentence) adequately. The explanation is vague with weak links to idea statement. This reduces COHERENCE in your response. Let me show the connections: I support the view that managers are a catalyst in a firm since they not only drive the teams but also make sure that all members are on the same page. (Explain DRIVE) They are responsible for motivating their subordinates to achieve the company’s financial goals. (Explain SAME PAGE) Also, they ensure that all team members understand the client’s requirements and coordinate to achieve targets. 

4. Though the example is fine. It can be made more specific and simple. For example, managers in Google are responsible to ensure that algorithms work accurately and rapidly so that customers get relevant search results quickly. This requires the cooperation of numerous employees which can be achieved by managers only.

However, some individuals insist that the various facilities in the company and other benefits (= various facilities) encourage workers to give their best contribution towards the organisation’s success. Flexible working hours, agile organisational structure, and employee friendly (parallelism – flexible, agile, friendly – are adjectives.) focused human resources policies motivate employees to work more efficiently. An employee feels more connected to the company when he gets the liberty to take leaves and receives (Parallelism – need a word which is parallel to gets.overtime benefits. All these features of a company are essential to get participation from its employees that makes a company successful.

In conclusion, although some people say that the various benefits provided by the company are vital for its success, I believe that it is the managers who make all divisions of the organisation working ensure smooth operations of different divisions of a company (better word choice) so that it can achieve its financial goals. follow the vision and mission on the road of success.

You need to widen lexical resources to ensure that the answer is written in the most appropriate words. Also, there is a need to write more specifically and reduce vagueness. The first paragraph scores low on coherence. There are a few grammar (parallelism) issues as well.

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